---
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title: "Holy Hell: A Memoir of Faith, Devotion, and Pure Madness"
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# Holy Hell: A Memoir of Faith, Devotion, and Pure Madness

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## Description

Amma, universally known as "The Hugging Saint," went through a two-decade transformation from a simple fisherman's daughter to an international wonder worshiped by millions. Gail "Gayatri" Tredwell was there every step of the way—from early devotee to head female disciple, ever-present personal attendant, handmaiden, whipping post, and unwilling keeper of some devastating secrets. At age nineteen, when she was a happy-go-lucky, adventurous lass from Australia, Tredwell never imagined that she would soon be trading her free spirit and skimpy clothing for a life of submission in an ankle-length sari. Her eager decision to serve the young "saint" began with innocence and a pure desire to please her new guru. In time, the relationship transformed into virtual enslavement in which Tredwell was on call 24/7 and worked herself nearly to death in the hope of finding God. Because she became fluent in the Malayalam language and had continual intimate proximity to Amma for twenty years, Tredwell is uniquely capable of portraying this famous woman. She tells her tale with straightforward honesty, fairness, and a dash of Aussie snap and wit. Although the guru’s flaws are a necessary part of her story and awakening, she strives to be factual throughout, digging deep to eschew victim frameworks and take responsibility for her own role in accepting the abuse and perpetuating the lies. The book evokes the joys of early devotional life and vibrant images of rural India. Through Tredwell's eyes, we watch a modest and traditional ashram metastasize into a business-oriented, bustling, mega-international organization. We also see how such a dizzying rise created vast opportunity for abuse, deceit, and hypocrisy. Tredwell takes us vividly through her varying stages, starting with naïveté and innocent devotion, then on to dawning awareness and confusion, finally to emotional breakdown and her shocking "enlightenment"—her realization that the liberation she urgently required was is in fact liberation from her own guru. In a gradual yet determined struggle, she managed to untangle herself from the web of myth and indoctrination. Only then was she able to muster her battered but not quite broken spirit and plot her escape. Gail's flight to freedom—her victorious recovery from a life of abuse and disillusionment—displays extraordinary strength and inspiring courage.

Review: Let the Sun Shine In - I was impressed by Gail Tredwell's writing, especially for a first book. Definitely better than expected based on some of the reviews I had read. It was quite descriptive and kept me engaged--I read it in a matter of hours. But more importantly, it seemed like a genuine effort towards finding and communicating the truth. I like truth. I don't know what really went on at the M.A. Math although I was involved in a low key way for about 10 years at a U.S. M.A Center quite awhile back. I just knew to not get too involved, I could see there were things going on that I would not want to be involved with. I saw a lot of ego manifesting in many ways. I could see that despite Ammachi's powerful spiritual aura, there was a mythology being created around and about her. I did profoundly enjoy the music and the beautiful Indian ritual involving flower petals, oil lamps and camphor and most of all the love that seemed to radiate from Ammachi and the love and fellowship of the people who came to the events. However, I had some experiences that eventually made me realize being involved with the M.A. Center was really not for me. A few of them vaguely echoed some of the experiences mentioned in Holy Hell, but for the most part I was not privy to the kinds of information and experience Gail was. I heard from people who had gone to India years ago that some of Ammachi's relatives were building big palatial houses on the other side of the river and did not believe that her family's fishing business could have taken off to that extent. I would go into the question line and find that Ammachi did not know what was on my mind as we were told she did and would not understand the background information relating to my question, so would not answer it in a meaningful way. I actually never really believed that Ammachi was too pure to menstruate, that her body worked in such a supernatural way because she had Type 1 diabetes and neck issues, both very human conditions. I heard people referring to Amma and her enterprises as Amma Inc. at least a decade ago because it was generally acknowledged it had become a big business. There is enough concurrence by others of some of Gail's claims that her narrative needs to be taken seriously. There are accounts by people agreeing that Ammachi indeed does hit and abuse those in her service and that smuggling and tax fraud takes place. It is very unclear how much of the vast amount of donations that are given to the M.A. Math go to charities although it is clear some of it does. I think that should be explained in detail by the M.A. Math with along with an ongoing public accounting of all donations received and what they are utilized for. Records of their financial plans should be provided. I just want the truth to come out and soon because many people have dedicated their lives to the service of Ammachi and her mission. I say this not knowing what the truth is, just whatever it is let the sunlight shine on a situation which clearly has harmed a number of people and has the potential to harm many more. And I mean on both sides....I suggest Gail provide whatever evidence she has to support her views soon as well. If even a portion of what Gail claims went on at Ammachi's ashram and on the tours is true, then this would likely be devastating to many people. They may wind up feeling duped and very angry--and even worse feel they have wasted years of their precious lives and find themselves lost and deeply disillusioned. At least let it be over if it needs to be. Let them move on if necessary. And if Ammachi and her swamis are largely innocent of the unethical and cruel actions described by Gail, let them be exonerated. The moral of this story, IMO, is be captain of your own ship. Don't give over your power to a guru or any other type of spiritual leader. We've seen and heard the story of corrupt gurus over and over--Sathya Sai Baba, Muktananda and Maharishi Mahesh Yogi to name just a few. Also in some corrupt Christian ministries and in the Catholic Church priest pedophilia situation. The truth must be found in our own hearts and even then, it is still a little suspect because we have human hearts that are so affected by our own hopes, fears, desires and egos. Question even your own self. Where does faith come in? I don't know but somewhere...but faith in the light itself, not in a fallible human. As Lord Acton said--power corrupts and absolute power tends to corrupt absolutely. He had it right. Humans tend to be corrupted by power. I have read some of the letters from Ammachi devotees criticizing Gail for her human weaknesses such as feeling annoyed when the gifts given to the female brahmacharinis were less than those to the males, and that she desired more comfort and love for herself. Her honesty about her own weaknesses are her strength (if those things are even weaknesses) and the feelings she described seemed completely normal and natural for a human being, especially under circumstances of abuse and exhaustion. When we acknowledge who we really are, we can evolve. As long as we are deluding ourselves and/or others we are stunted. The best outcome of the publishing of Holy Hell would be for more truth and more light to manifest.
Review: Sought God and landed slaving for her Guru, the "Hugging Amma" - HOLY HELL-A memoir of Faith, Devotion and Pure Madness By Gail Tredwell a.k.a. Gayatri, 2013 Gail Tredwell, an Australian woman, dedicated 20 years of her life in the service of Mata Amirtanandamayi, better known as the “hugging Amma”. She thought she could find God through her devotion to Amma, her “guru”. She was terribly disappointed with her guru and turn of events. Gail was ill- treated and debased. Her relationship with her guru denigrated into a salvo of one-sided insults. Gail came to seek Truth but landed slaving for her master. There were salacious comings and goings in the Ashram among devotees. Some of the donations to the ashram were rechanneled into the coffers of Amma’s family. Holly Hell chronicles Gail‘s life- experience in Amma’s ashram. Her life story begins with Amma’s divine awakening and the early days of the establishment of Amma’s ashram. Gail is not only an observant-participant but a privy to the dynamics within the ashram. She writes with a passion and shows an amazing recall of events of her impaired experience. Gail’s story is just one side of the coin. Amma has a following of more than 20 million people worldwide. Through her embrace, she comforts and eases those in emotional or physical pain. Her life is dedicated in easing the sufferings of the poor. The charity “Embracing the World” founded by her is an international network of local and global charities that strives to meet the basic needs of the poor in areas of food, shelter, health, and education. How could Amma have achieved all these if she did not have some inexplicable power? One may also ask why an educated and well-travelled woman like Gail Tredwell could suffer indignities over 20 years without seeking recourse. She was sexually assaulted with impunity by one of Amma’s senior ordained swamis and yet suffered in silence. She could have left the ashram of her own free will or escaped without detection at any point of her long stay in the ashram. Why did it take 20 years of suffering before she took courage to leave the ashram? Was it a love-hate relationship? Her outpourings of ill treatment and claims of a degenerated relationship in which she was not equal, only raises doubt. It is incongruent with Amma’s popularity in the world- stage. Whatever the reason behind Gail’s’s book, which incidentally is an easy read, it is a book that one must read and arrive at one’s own conclusion.

## Technical Specifications

| Specification | Value |
|---------------|-------|
| Best Sellers Rank | #1,290,201 in Kindle Store ( See Top 100 in Kindle Store ) #16,268 in Memoirs (Kindle Store) #37,839 in Memoirs (Books) |

## Images

![Holy Hell: A Memoir of Faith, Devotion, and Pure Madness - Image 1](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/61dSjBipDKL.jpg)

## Customer Reviews

### ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Let the Sun Shine In
*by L***A on January 23, 2014*

I was impressed by Gail Tredwell's writing, especially for a first book. Definitely better than expected based on some of the reviews I had read. It was quite descriptive and kept me engaged--I read it in a matter of hours. But more importantly, it seemed like a genuine effort towards finding and communicating the truth. I like truth. I don't know what really went on at the M.A. Math although I was involved in a low key way for about 10 years at a U.S. M.A Center quite awhile back. I just knew to not get too involved, I could see there were things going on that I would not want to be involved with. I saw a lot of ego manifesting in many ways. I could see that despite Ammachi's powerful spiritual aura, there was a mythology being created around and about her. I did profoundly enjoy the music and the beautiful Indian ritual involving flower petals, oil lamps and camphor and most of all the love that seemed to radiate from Ammachi and the love and fellowship of the people who came to the events. However, I had some experiences that eventually made me realize being involved with the M.A. Center was really not for me. A few of them vaguely echoed some of the experiences mentioned in Holy Hell, but for the most part I was not privy to the kinds of information and experience Gail was. I heard from people who had gone to India years ago that some of Ammachi's relatives were building big palatial houses on the other side of the river and did not believe that her family's fishing business could have taken off to that extent. I would go into the question line and find that Ammachi did not know what was on my mind as we were told she did and would not understand the background information relating to my question, so would not answer it in a meaningful way. I actually never really believed that Ammachi was too pure to menstruate, that her body worked in such a supernatural way because she had Type 1 diabetes and neck issues, both very human conditions. I heard people referring to Amma and her enterprises as Amma Inc. at least a decade ago because it was generally acknowledged it had become a big business. There is enough concurrence by others of some of Gail's claims that her narrative needs to be taken seriously. There are accounts by people agreeing that Ammachi indeed does hit and abuse those in her service and that smuggling and tax fraud takes place. It is very unclear how much of the vast amount of donations that are given to the M.A. Math go to charities although it is clear some of it does. I think that should be explained in detail by the M.A. Math with along with an ongoing public accounting of all donations received and what they are utilized for. Records of their financial plans should be provided. I just want the truth to come out and soon because many people have dedicated their lives to the service of Ammachi and her mission. I say this not knowing what the truth is, just whatever it is let the sunlight shine on a situation which clearly has harmed a number of people and has the potential to harm many more. And I mean on both sides....I suggest Gail provide whatever evidence she has to support her views soon as well. If even a portion of what Gail claims went on at Ammachi's ashram and on the tours is true, then this would likely be devastating to many people. They may wind up feeling duped and very angry--and even worse feel they have wasted years of their precious lives and find themselves lost and deeply disillusioned. At least let it be over if it needs to be. Let them move on if necessary. And if Ammachi and her swamis are largely innocent of the unethical and cruel actions described by Gail, let them be exonerated. The moral of this story, IMO, is be captain of your own ship. Don't give over your power to a guru or any other type of spiritual leader. We've seen and heard the story of corrupt gurus over and over--Sathya Sai Baba, Muktananda and Maharishi Mahesh Yogi to name just a few. Also in some corrupt Christian ministries and in the Catholic Church priest pedophilia situation. The truth must be found in our own hearts and even then, it is still a little suspect because we have human hearts that are so affected by our own hopes, fears, desires and egos. Question even your own self. Where does faith come in? I don't know but somewhere...but faith in the light itself, not in a fallible human. As Lord Acton said--power corrupts and absolute power tends to corrupt absolutely. He had it right. Humans tend to be corrupted by power. I have read some of the letters from Ammachi devotees criticizing Gail for her human weaknesses such as feeling annoyed when the gifts given to the female brahmacharinis were less than those to the males, and that she desired more comfort and love for herself. Her honesty about her own weaknesses are her strength (if those things are even weaknesses) and the feelings she described seemed completely normal and natural for a human being, especially under circumstances of abuse and exhaustion. When we acknowledge who we really are, we can evolve. As long as we are deluding ourselves and/or others we are stunted. The best outcome of the publishing of Holy Hell would be for more truth and more light to manifest.

### ⭐⭐⭐⭐ Sought God and landed slaving for her Guru, the "Hugging Amma"
*by K***O on June 15, 2014*

HOLY HELL-A memoir of Faith, Devotion and Pure Madness By Gail Tredwell a.k.a. Gayatri, 2013 Gail Tredwell, an Australian woman, dedicated 20 years of her life in the service of Mata Amirtanandamayi, better known as the “hugging Amma”. She thought she could find God through her devotion to Amma, her “guru”. She was terribly disappointed with her guru and turn of events. Gail was ill- treated and debased. Her relationship with her guru denigrated into a salvo of one-sided insults. Gail came to seek Truth but landed slaving for her master. There were salacious comings and goings in the Ashram among devotees. Some of the donations to the ashram were rechanneled into the coffers of Amma’s family. Holly Hell chronicles Gail‘s life- experience in Amma’s ashram. Her life story begins with Amma’s divine awakening and the early days of the establishment of Amma’s ashram. Gail is not only an observant-participant but a privy to the dynamics within the ashram. She writes with a passion and shows an amazing recall of events of her impaired experience. Gail’s story is just one side of the coin. Amma has a following of more than 20 million people worldwide. Through her embrace, she comforts and eases those in emotional or physical pain. Her life is dedicated in easing the sufferings of the poor. The charity “Embracing the World” founded by her is an international network of local and global charities that strives to meet the basic needs of the poor in areas of food, shelter, health, and education. How could Amma have achieved all these if she did not have some inexplicable power? One may also ask why an educated and well-travelled woman like Gail Tredwell could suffer indignities over 20 years without seeking recourse. She was sexually assaulted with impunity by one of Amma’s senior ordained swamis and yet suffered in silence. She could have left the ashram of her own free will or escaped without detection at any point of her long stay in the ashram. Why did it take 20 years of suffering before she took courage to leave the ashram? Was it a love-hate relationship? Her outpourings of ill treatment and claims of a degenerated relationship in which she was not equal, only raises doubt. It is incongruent with Amma’s popularity in the world- stage. Whatever the reason behind Gail’s’s book, which incidentally is an easy read, it is a book that one must read and arrive at one’s own conclusion.

### ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ A Betrayal of Innocence
*by M***E on November 18, 2013*

‘Holy Hell’ is above all a story of innocence and trust betrayed. I bought the book from this site within days of it being released and read it cover to cover almost in one sitting. Have read most of these reviews – the five star and the one star ones, and, like others, have come to the same conclusion that most of one star reviewers had not even read the book. Because if they had they would see that above all Tredwell’s story is one about her quest to find God. That throughout this book she never actually wavers in her belief in God and it is probably for that reason that she suffered such abuse for as long as she did. She came to Sudhamani Idamannel (Amma) offering her everything. And I do not mean her worldly goods, of which she almost had none at the time. But she came to this guru, who at that point in time was little known outside her local region in Kerala, offering her youth, her innocence, her trust, her devotion, and above all her love of God. She came to Idamannel believing that by offering herself up to this guru that it would bring her even closer to God. From what I can see she was already leading a saintly existence herself at the Sri Ramana Maharshi ashram at Arunachala in the year she spent there before she came to Idamannel. Meditating daily and herself having already undergone some intense mystical experiences, not unlike those described in Idamannel’s biographies. She was also using her meagre financial resources to make meals and feed others, some of the poor near to the ashram and other ashram residents in need of support. So she also, for one so young, was demonstrating much compassion for her fellow beings. Had decided to become vegetarian for that reason. Who knows if she had not met Idamannel where her devotion would have led her. Possibly SHE herself would have started to attract a following. But one thing is for sure, she came offering SO much to this woman. THAT is what makes this book so shocking. Of how Idamannel possibly never even saw the light in her when she first came to her. Did not even appreciate these special qualities in that young woman in the portrait at the beginning of the book, who is full of so much light and purity. But what she certainly did see was a trusting and gullible young woman, a strong and healthy young woman who wished to serve her and, above all, a white woman, that she could then have accompanying her everywhere to help promote her and bring her to fame. Neal Rosner (Nealu) appears to have failed her abysmally after her arrival. A young woman barely 21 who accompanies him to Idamannel’s village , a man committed to a religious life but in his thirties. He then allows her to be used as Idamannel’s servant and the work horse for the community, toiling in the oppressive tropical heat in primitive village conditions preparing meals and doing the washing and other tasks, whilst he, protected by his wealth, his ill health and his gender, opts out of any real responsibility for what is going on, spending extended periods lying around in his hut because of this illness. What those who have only given this book one star fail to realise, and who condemn Tredwell for her “betrayal” of her guru and her lack of faith is that if anyone did the betraying it was Idamannel. What was taken from this woman was her dream of living in a state of Grace, to be One with God. The vileness of what happened to her at the hands of Balu, Idamannel’s #1, Swami Amritasvarupananda. If such a thing had happened in a Catholic religious community it would become evidence in an enquiry into abuse within the Catholic Church! Joel Kramer and Dianna Alstad, authors of ‘The Guru Papers: Masks of Authoritarian Power’ , who endorsed this book, would have seen straight away what had happened to Tredwell. The second part of their book’s title – Masks of Authoritarian Power’, which is what I believe is happening in all guru/devotee relationships. The mind games and the tricks these usually very charismatic and invariably narcissistic people use in order to manipulate others and control them. In the case of Idamannel, someone I believe who is one of the most clever and unscrupulous of them, it is ALL about a mask. Preying, as Tredwell says in her final pages, after finally realising the true nature of this woman, on the needy, the desperate, the trusting and above all, the innocent. The much publicised humanitarian works, the hook which Idamannel uses in the West to pull in so many new devotees, and the donations, has now been shown to be nothing other than a hollow PR exercise. The evidence now being out there on the Indian government’s Home Office site that less than 10% of these donations actually are used for real humanitarian projects and that 63% is being held in foreign banks. Another reviewer having provided detailed information. I believe that this book will become a classic in the genre of guru exposés, and a text that many will refer to in future years. It is very well-written and entertaining. And above all the sincerity of Tredwell shines through. This is why I give it five stars!

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