George Washington Is Cash Money: A No-Bullshit Guide to the United Myths of America Paperback – May 12, 2015

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Review Praise for Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes“I was giggling by the first page and full blown LOLing by the first myth. It’s really that funny.”–Electric Feast “It is in fact the not-so-delicate, in-your-face attitude, sarcasm, and black humor that have made this book an instant standout against the other mythology chronicles of its time.”–The Blue & Gold Read more About the Author Cory O’Brien is a word-wizard and technojester of the first degree and the creator of Myths Retold! (BetterMyths.com), as well as the author of Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes and George Washington is Cash Money. He reads and writes mythology, science fiction, and computer code. He has camped with gypsies, juggled for food, and driven across the country in a car powered by vegetable oil. Now he lives in Chicago, where he recently graduated with an MFA in writing from the School of the Art Institute of Chicago. Cory's dream is to one day travel to Mars, or at least to own a jacket made entirely of pockets. Read more Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved. Benjamin Franklin Is the God of Lightning   I know what you’re expecting because I know how books like this usually go. I’m supposed to tick off the Founding Fathers one by one and tell you what assholes they all actually are. You know why popular history likes to do this? Because everyone loves to see their heroes look bad and if you have enough information about a dude it is SUPER EASY to make him look like a dingus. BAM INSTANT BESTSELLER.   I did it with Christopher Columbus because he’s terrible and I did it with George Washington ’cause he’s the colonial equivalent of a trust fund kid but now it’s time to talk about Ben Franklin and I won’t do it. It’s not that I can’t make Big Ben look like a prick. Dude may have (definitely) hit on his best bro’s girl while his bro was out of town one time and he may have (definitely) refused to marry a lady because her parents wouldn’t pay off ALL HIS DEBT and he may have (definitely) cheated on his wife and then fathered a son who eventually fought against him in the revolution but when the best dirt historians can dig up on you is that you had a lot of extramarital sex well, at worst you’re the Zeus of the thirteen colonies.   Ben gets born in Boston around 1706 which means he had exactly seventy years to become enough of a ruckus-causer to spark off the American Revolution. Yeah imagine your granddad banging hookers in France while simultaneously negotiating military treaties and maybe then you’ll understand why I like this guy.   Anyway he gets born he works for his brother as a printer for a while teaches himself writing (because he’s too poor for college) and then goes “fuck this” and moves to Philly because he hears they have dope sandwiches. In Philly, he keeps being a printer and he’s so goddamn good at it (spoiler: Ben Franklin is good at EVERYTHING) that pretty soon dudes are just handing him cash to buy his own press and start his own business.   So now he becomes a master printer buys a couple slaves (but don’t worry, he frees them later and he doesn’t even have to die first!) and starts a newspaper which he uses to manipulate the opinions of Philadelphia’s ENTIRE GOVERNMENT. He also starts a weekly discussion group which gets so popular that each member starts his own discussion group and from that point on Ben Franklin owns Philadelphia.   Let me explain how this works: Anytime Benjamin Franklin wants a thing to happen the first thing he does is write a paper about it then he reads it in his discussion group and then he gives it to each of his members and has them read it in their discussion group then he publishes it in his newspaper which is the most popular newspaper in the city and then when everybody is talking about his plan he goes to the assembly (which he is also the clerk of, coincidentally) and is like “Hey, guys it seems like everybody wants this thing to happen maybe you should do it.” BOOM. POLITICS.   He uses this technique to get a night watch a fire department a militia a hospital a university paved roads and a library (while also securing himself a contract to print ALL THE MONEY IN PENNSYLVANIA). You couldn’t throw a rock down a street without hitting a public service attributable to him and even if you did your rock would be quickly swept up by the street sweepers Franklin employed.   So obviously he becomes unreasonably wealthy and he tries to retire but everyone is like “NOPE YOU HAVE TO BE IN THE ASSEMBLY NOW” and he’s like “Aw man, really? I was looking forward to a life of leisure just doin’ science and hot chicks forever.” But he does it anyway. Then when shit starts getting crazy in the colonies he goes to England and he’s like “Guys, maybe we should make a deal where you don’t act like you can make laws for us and we maybe don’t kill all your guys” and the British are like “PISH POSH” and Ben’s like “Okay maybe stop being British for a sec and just listen to me” and the British are like “BALDERDASH” and Ben is like “Okay, well I guess I’m gonna go tell France to kill you now” and the French (who at this time in history will take ANY opportunity to screw with England) are like “OUI OUI” and Ben is like “God dammit I’m surrounded by foreigners.”   But Franklin is not content simply to challenge the British Empire he has to challenge THE GODS THEMSELVES specifically Zeus, god of lightning presumably because he didn’t like the competition when it came to illegitimate sexytimes.   So Ben decides to find out what’s up with electricity which means he has to take a break from single-handedly inventing Philadelphia to run some experiments and it turns out that there is one particular experiment that everyone else is too much of a weenie to run and that is the experiment that will finally answer the age-old question: “IS LIGHTNING MADE OF ELECTRICITY????” COME ON COME THE FUCK ON IT’S LIGHTNING. WHEN YOU GET HIT BY LIGHTNING IT GOES BZZT AND YOUR SKIN GOES TRA NSPARENT AND EVERYONE CAN SEE YOUR BONES HOW IS THIS NOT OBVIOUS? Man, the past is dumb.   But Big Ben Franklin is NOT so he does the smartest possible thing which is to make a kite out of metal and silk attach a key to the bottom and go out in a lightning storm. This guy is on our money, America. Not only is he on our money he’s on a denomination of money that I’m not even rich enough to possess. Anyway, this experiment is a great success Benjamin Franklin finally proves that lightning is the only thing it could possibly be and he writes a paper about it and sends it to the Royal Society of London and they’re all like “POPPYCOCK! LIGHTING IS MADE OF GLOWING BEES EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.” And they refuse to acknowledge the experiment until some French dudes run it better.   This brings to mind an old adage: Early to bed and early to rise will not make you as cool as Benjamin Franklin. SLEEP LATE HAVE SEX. Read more