Holy Hell: A Memoir of Faith, Devotion, and Pure Madness Kindle Edition

I was impressed by Gail Tredwell's writing, especially for a first book. Definitely better than expected based on some of the reviews I had read. It was quite descriptive and kept me engaged--I read it in a matter of hours.But more importantly, it seemed like a genuine effort towards finding and communicating the truth. I like truth. I don't know what really went on at the M.A. Math although I was involved in a low key way for about 10 years at a U.S. M.A Center quite awhile back. I just knew to not get too involved, I could see there were things going on that I would not want to be involved with. I saw a lot of ego manifesting in many ways. I could see that despite Ammachi's powerful spiritual aura, there was a mythology being created around and about her. I did profoundly enjoy the music and the beautiful Indian ritual involving flower petals, oil lamps and camphor and most of all the love that seemed to radiate from Ammachi and the love and fellowship of the people who came to the events.However, I had some experiences that eventually made me realize being involved with the M.A. Center was really not for me. A few of them vaguely echoed some of the experiences mentioned in Holy Hell, but for the most part I was not privy to the kinds of information and experience Gail was.I heard from people who had gone to India years ago that some of Ammachi's relatives were building big palatial houses on the other side of the river and did not believe that her family's fishing business could have taken off to that extent. I would go into the question line and find that Ammachi did not know what was on my mind as we were told she did and would not understand the background information relating to my question, so would not answer it in a meaningful way. I actually never really believed that Ammachi was too pure to menstruate, that her body worked in such a supernatural way because she had Type 1 diabetes and neck issues, both very human conditions. I heard people referring to Amma and her enterprises as Amma Inc. at least a decade ago because it was generally acknowledged it had become a big business.There is enough concurrence by others of some of Gail's claims that her narrative needs to be taken seriously. There are accounts by people agreeing that Ammachi indeed does hit and abuse those in her service and that smuggling and tax fraud takes place. It is very unclear how much of the vast amount of donations that are given to the M.A. Math go to charities although it is clear some of it does. I think that should be explained in detail by the M.A. Math with along with an ongoing public accounting of all donations received and what they are utilized for. Records of their financial plans should be provided.I just want the truth to come out and soon because many people have dedicated their lives to the service of Ammachi and her mission. I say this not knowing what the truth is, just whatever it is let the sunlight shine on a situation which clearly has harmed a number of people and has the potential to harm many more. And I mean on both sides....I suggest Gail provide whatever evidence she has to support her views soon as well. If even a portion of what Gail claims went on at Ammachi's ashram and on the tours is true, then this would likely be devastating to many people. They may wind up feeling duped and very angry--and even worse feel they have wasted years of their precious lives and find themselves lost and deeply disillusioned. At least let it be over if it needs to be. Let them move on if necessary.And if Ammachi and her swamis are largely innocent of the unethical and cruel actions described by Gail, let them be exonerated.The moral of this story, IMO, is be captain of your own ship. Don't give over your power to a guru or any other type of spiritual leader. We've seen and heard the story of corrupt gurus over and over--Sathya Sai Baba, Muktananda and Maharishi Mahesh Yogi to name just a few. Also in some corrupt Christian ministries and in the Catholic Church priest pedophilia situation. The truth must be found in our own hearts and even then, it is still a little suspect because we have human hearts that are so affected by our own hopes, fears, desires and egos. Question even your own self. Where does faith come in? I don't know but somewhere...but faith in the light itself, not in a fallible human.As Lord Acton said--power corrupts and absolute power tends to corrupt absolutely. He had it right. Humans tend to be corrupted by power.I have read some of the letters from Ammachi devotees criticizing Gail for her human weaknesses such as feeling annoyed when the gifts given to the female brahmacharinis were less than those to the males, and that she desired more comfort and love for herself. Her honesty about her own weaknesses are her strength (if those things are even weaknesses) and the feelings she described seemed completely normal and natural for a human being, especially under circumstances of abuse and exhaustion. When we acknowledge who we really are, we can evolve. As long as we are deluding ourselves and/or others we are stunted.The best outcome of the publishing of Holy Hell would be for more truth and more light to manifest.

Gail I found this book to be emotionally honest. It takes great courage to tell a story that is so deeply felt. Since I believe in reincarnation, I also believe there are no accidents occurring in the universe. The path of enlightenment is exactly the same path as disillusionment. We all must shed light on our disillusions in order to find our true inner being. This is not an easy path but rather the most difficult of all. We all chose the paths we are walking in order to learn the wisdom we need to progress on our journey. It is interesting to me that you say, to the effect, that searching for God brought you misery but honoring your own feelings resulted in knowing yourself and ultimately finding peace. God exists in all of us and when we trust ourselves we do find God because that is where God lives. Anytime we give our power away to somebody outside of ourselves we will become saddened and disillusioned. It is designed that way. God forces us to go inside of ourselves to find our truth which ultimately leads us to the God of all things. Even though this has been a very difficult and painful experience be thankful for it and know you were cradled in God's hand through every step. Now that you have learned theGreatest lesson of all, you can and have helped others in understanding where God truly resides. I believe God is saying, "Well done, Gail". I don't know if you read these reviews or not. I am Terry's sister and I would love to meet you when I come to visit. I admire you for having the courage to tell your story with truth and integrity. I wish you many blessings.

‘Holy Hell’ is above all a story of innocence and trust betrayed. I bought the book from this site within days of it being released and read it cover to cover almost in one sitting. Have read most of these reviews – the five star and the one star ones, and, like others, have come to the same conclusion that most of one star reviewers had not even read the book. Because if they had they would see that above all Tredwell’s story is one about her quest to find God. That throughout this book she never actually wavers in her belief in God and it is probably for that reason that she suffered such abuse for as long as she did.She came to Sudhamani Idamannel (Amma) offering her everything. And I do not mean her worldly goods, of which she almost had none at the time. But she came to this guru, who at that point in time was little known outside her local region in Kerala, offering her youth, her innocence, her trust, her devotion, and above all her love of God. She came to Idamannel believing that by offering herself up to this guru that it would bring her even closer to God. From what I can see she was already leading a saintly existence herself at the Sri Ramana Maharshi ashram at Arunachala in the year she spent there before she came to Idamannel. Meditating daily and herself having already undergone some intense mystical experiences, not unlike those described in Idamannel’s biographies. She was also using her meagre financial resources to make meals and feed others, some of the poor near to the ashram and other ashram residents in need of support. So she also, for one so young, was demonstrating much compassion for her fellow beings. Had decided to become vegetarian for that reason. Who knows if she had not met Idamannel where her devotion would have led her. Possibly SHE herself would have started to attract a following. But one thing is for sure, she came offering SO much to this woman.THAT is what makes this book so shocking. Of how Idamannel possibly never even saw the light in her when she first came to her. Did not even appreciate these special qualities in that young woman in the portrait at the beginning of the book, who is full of so much light and purity. But what she certainly did see was a trusting and gullible young woman, a strong and healthy young woman who wished to serve her and, above all, a white woman, that she could then have accompanying her everywhere to help promote her and bring her to fame.Neal Rosner (Nealu) appears to have failed her abysmally after her arrival. A young woman barely 21 who accompanies him to Idamannel’s village , a man committed to a religious life but in his thirties. He then allows her to be used as Idamannel’s servant and the work horse for the community, toiling in the oppressive tropical heat in primitive village conditions preparing meals and doing the washing and other tasks, whilst he, protected by his wealth, his ill health and his gender, opts out of any real responsibility for what is going on, spending extended periods lying around in his hut because of this illness.What those who have only given this book one star fail to realise, and who condemn Tredwell for her “betrayal” of her guru and her lack of faith is that if anyone did the betraying it was Idamannel. What was taken from this woman was her dream of living in a state of Grace, to be One with God. The vileness of what happened to her at the hands of Balu, Idamannel’s #1, Swami Amritasvarupananda. If such a thing had happened in a Catholic religious community it would become evidence in an enquiry into abuse within the Catholic Church!Joel Kramer and Dianna Alstad, authors of ‘The Guru Papers: Masks of Authoritarian Power’ , who endorsed this book, would have seen straight away what had happened to Tredwell. The second part of their book’s title – Masks of Authoritarian Power’, which is what I believe is happening in all guru/devotee relationships. The mind games and the tricks these usually very charismatic and invariably narcissistic people use in order to manipulate others and control them. In the case of Idamannel, someone I believe who is one of the most clever and unscrupulous of them, it is ALL about a mask. Preying, as Tredwell says in her final pages, after finally realising the true nature of this woman, on the needy, the desperate, the trusting and above all, the innocent. The much publicised humanitarian works, the hook which Idamannel uses in the West to pull in so many new devotees, and the donations, has now been shown to be nothing other than a hollow PR exercise. The evidence now being out there on the Indian government’s Home Office site that less than 10% of these donations actually are used for real humanitarian projects and that 63% is being held in foreign banks. Another reviewer having provided detailed information.I believe that this book will become a classic in the genre of guru exposés, and a text that many will refer to in future years. It is very well-written and entertaining. And above all the sincerity of Tredwell shines through.This is why I give it five stars!

Das erste, was ich dachte, als ich das Foto von Gail Tredwell sah, war: "schon leuchtet. Er-leuchtung bedeutet nur,dass ein Er in uns leuchtet. das ist weltweit verbreitetes indoktriniertes Herrendenken. Wir sind ein Fraktal der Quelle, jeder von uns mit unserer einzigartigen Schönheit, unseren Qualitäten und Potenziale.Ein Er kann sich auch als eine Sie manifestieren, so der Glaube im Hinduismus.Wir sind selbst schon Er-Sie,weil wir eine unsterbliche Seele sind, männlich-weiblich.Gurus und sogenannte Avatare lieben es leuchtende Seelen, d.h. Menschen, deren Seele sich schon sehr erkannt hat, in ihrer Einzigartigkeit, an sich heranzuziehen, um den Mann oder die Frau "besonders" zu machen, um sie oder ihn dann mit "Zuckerbrot" und "Peitsche" in die Hölle zu schicken, die Hölle ihrer eigenen nach außen projizierten Dunkelheit. So müssen sie sich nicht selbst erkennen und sind demnach alles andere als erleuchtet. Und gleichzeitig abgrundtief missgünstig auf das Leuchten ihrer Ergebenen:(Amma to Mrs. Tredwell:" How many times have I told you to check on the kitchen? You lazy, good for nothing bitch, just sitting around like a queen." (Page196)).Meiner Meinung nach arbeiten solche Wesen wie Amma mit dunkler "Witch Power". Sie kontrollieren das Leben ihrer Anhänger und leben selbst eine verlogene (Sexual-)Moral.Und die unnahbare Gottheit (= Glaubenssystem), die sich dafür hergibt, sich herablässt Aufmerksamkeit zu schenken, eine Umarmung: Das triggerd die tiefe Sehnsucht der Menschen nach dem Göttlichen, das endlich in ihrem Leben ist!Und ich sehe auch kleine Kinder, die nicht indoktriniert sind und Amma einfach lieben. Wieso? Weil kleine Kinder noch durch ihre Seele leben und nicht die erleuchtete Amma, die Gottesinkarnation sehen, sondern eine Frau, die sich im Grunde ihres Herzens nach aufrichtiger Liebe sehnt. Aber noch nicht soweit ist, sich dies einzugestehen.Danke, liebe Gail, dass du uns an deiner Reise hast teilhaben lassen, um bewusst zu werden. Mögen wir alle gemeinsam leuchten wie die Sterne am Himmel für eine menschliche Zukunft in Liebe und Einheit.

I was very touched by Gails story and more so by her bravery to publish this book. I have seen videos of her in youtube when she was still a Swamini and you can clearly see from her face in what a terrible state of health and exhaustion she was. In her writing I loved that even though the circumstances she describes are shocking and disturbing she still manages to keep a sense of humor throughout the book which at times made me laugh out loud. I hope that she is well and can enjoy the rest of her life to the fullest.

There have been many revelations in the past decade about the (sexual) abuse that many if the well known and lesser known teachers/gurus have inflicted upon their devotees. For 10 years I used to go and see amma, had inner revelations and insights, was touched. Until one moment at a devi bhava, where I would see her as just an ordinary person playing a role, and the people gathering enabling her to do so. Since that moment I stopped going. For some years after, I would still hold on to amma being different from the other scoundrel gurus. Until i heard stories, mainly about the exploitation of the disciples. It surprises me I didn’t hear about this book when it came out or the years after. I came to know about it only last week, on Lissa’s Rankin’s page and immediately bought it (thank you for mentioning it there). Now that I read it, it’s the confirmation of what already suspected. Thank you, Gail, for putting it out there. Healing after such a long and hardcase of narcissistic abuse must have been a long difficult way. I am very happy to hear you are in a good place now, and that your own relationship with god has not suffered. Wishing you well.

Thank you for writing this book Gail. This is an important piece of work. I highly recommend it especially to spiritual seekers. This book reads as an honest, humble and thorough account of Gail's journey with this Amma. It is an excellent portrayal of the subtle and insidious self-betrayal that can occur to spiritual seekers slowly over time especially when sequestered away from the rest of their life and the world. Thank you again Gail for your self honesty, self awareness and courage. Michele

...so he or she could not fall into unnecessary traps in the name of God and love. I love Gail’s narration and extremely convincing mannerism. I could sense her true feelings and honesty which is very important. Thanks Gail. By reading this, I have not lost any respect towards Mata Amritanandamayi or character ‘Balu’, I do respect her just as I would respect anyone in this world. That’s Gail’s intention too, just to bring awareness but never harm anyone’s reputation desirably.