The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self, Revised Edition

I started working with a great psychologist/therapist last year to deal with a few issues that i had diagnosed in myself and also to deal with PTSD. In one of our sessions, much to my surprise, he linked these issues back to my childhood and my parents and especially my mother. Apparently my mother has highly narcissistic tendencies and my father, with his indifference, has played the role of the enabler. As i started to do more research and read more to understand so many complicated issues that are part of the human psyche, i came across this book. Please allow me to very honest and say that to this day i have not finished reading the whole book. This, not because it is a difficult or poorly written book. On the contrary, it is brilliant, eloquent, and provides enough examples to make the topic easily understood by everyone. I have not finished it because sometimes the truth hurts and it hurts deeply when one faces it's ugly part. It is forces you to look inside your own self, to analyze your thoughts and actions, and more than anything to accept the origin of your fears and insecurities. Read it and re-read it over and over again, because by understanding your past you can change the present and the future and even if you may not fully break free of the pain, at least you will not repeat the same mistakes with your children. I can not recommend this book enough, painful as it is to read it and face truths about one's self. You will become a better person in the end.

I rarely or never write reviews for a book or for anything actually. The fact that I am spending time to write this speaks to the impact this book has had on me. Sentences pierce right at the heart of a persons body and mind. They scramble the mind and every page takes hours of processing. They open up your past and be ready for some revealing dreams. Reading is slow and hard but you will come out stronger.

I think you will get the most benefit out of this book if you have: 1. Previously experienced depression 2. Have undergone some sort of psychotherapy 3. Have done some work on your self-awareness previously As the author posits in the book, knowing the concepts intellectually will not make the pain and loneliness go away. It must be felt consciously and mourned for what it is; one must face the truth of the pain for the spell to lift. So in that sense, this book will be most compelling for those who have already gone through the experience of self-healing, or are in the process of it. Those who are still ignorant to the forces at work in their subconscious may very well find this book obtuse and sometimes grandiose in its own way. Although I do think the author overreaches sometimes with her conclusions, the overall passion with which she writes the book makes it a very moving argument for all of us ‘gifted but suffering children’ who make up society and are thus able to make or break it with our own neuroses.

I saw this book recommended on self help subs multiple times, but someone recommended it to me after hearing my situation so I got it. This book is terrific. I'm ~8% in and it's not only answering questions I've had for months and connecting the dots for me, but also inspiring me to journal. Even though the book is ~150 pages long, it'll take me a while to go through because I'm drawing diagrams and making flow charts. What I got was worth the price that I paid, even if the rest of the pages are blank. I wanted to address the negative reviews: These types of books require prerequisite knowledge. For example, I read The Family prior to reading this book so I'm able to layer my knowledge. Before reading that, I did a lot of research online. You won't be able to get a lot out of the book if you don't expose yourself to this information before. This is not a beginner book. So far what I've read covers your behavior, why you do what you do. Making the unconscious conscious is one of the most important things you can do for yourself. This is the first step of the healing process. Without this, you can't heel. Several people were concerned about heeling, without really understanding what that means. This book requires you to be really honest yourself. Not everyone is psychologically capable of going there. So this book isn't for everyone. The book is about caretakers of the child, not just *the mother* - it's really interesting that people are criticizing the author for this. They're fixated on a surface level issue which is causing them to be unable to go deeper. Same with people criticizing the title of the book... it's laughable.

Really amazing book. I have read a lot of "self help" and other types of psychology books. I have also done years of therapy. I always felt that there was something I was missing. I had decided to take a break from trying to re-hash my past experiences when I stumbled across this book. Alice describes me and my life perfectly in this book. It was really amazing to read and identify with so much of what she said. Almost everything she talks about was something I hadn't thought of before--at least in the way she explains things. There was also one thing she explains that I have had a profound experience with, that I have never heard of anyone else experiencing. It was amazing to hear that what I had experienced and worked through is actually common. One thing I could never understand about myself was why I still have low self-esteem. Intellectually, I can see why I (or anyone for that matter) should have self-esteem. I had read many books and done work in therapy specifically for this issue, but it still remained a complete mystery for me. The ideas in this book have given me the tools to become my "true self" and get that self-esteem I have always lacked. I admit that I have only just finished reading the book and have yet to do most of the work involved in this, but I feel incredibly confident that this is what I have been missing (for me with these type of therapeutic and self-revelations, you know when something speaks to you like this). I now have a plan for working through this issue and I feel confident I now know what has been holding me back. I can't recommend this book highly enough. I've already purchased another one of Alice's books and I hope it is as helpful for me as this one has been.

I think this book holds some insights about the way even “normal” childhood and child-rearing can create dysfunctional behavior in adulthood, and other ideas like the connection between depression and grandiosity. But overall, this book reminds me of the worst therapist I ever had, whose preoccupation with her own father-daughter relationship led her to see in EVERY PATIENT that the source of all suffering was the father. This book overly focuses on the mother-child relationship, on the idealized mother as a fountain of pure goodness and the real mother as the source of all emotional harm, and it lacks useful advice about how to understand and heal those dysfunctions we do carry forward from our families of origin. I think it can be a useful read before parenting, to raise self-awareness about how we interact with our children. But ultimately the idealized mother portrayed in this book is neither possible nor actually ideal, because she is inhuman. I much prefer books about gentle parenting and respectful honest interactions with our children, which can also help us understand the ways that we did not receive that respect without the psychodrama and mother-focus of this book.

I just finished reading the book and am still in the process of digesting it. Frequently, the book pin points my life with shocking accuracy. I won't be discussing the content because it's quite heavy. This books seems to be aiming at psychologists because each part has a chapter for therapists. It also has a European color, especially German. Outside of these parts, I felt that the book was talking directly to me. I like the condensed quality of the book. Written in the 80s, when each sentence is to be digested. Books published today generally have larger volumes of repetitive concepts. I'd much prefer to read and digest one inspirational sentence at a time, and revisit frequently. update: Since Alice Miller has passed away, her website no longer gets updated with new emails from readers, I'll write down some of the awakenings I found reading the book. A lot of buried memories started to come back and a lot of my strange behaviors are starting to make sense. They all rooted in childhood. - I have a life long yearning for freedom that I never could explain. - I have impossibly high standards for myself in terms of achievements and strength. I can't stand to be anywhere near the weak or the stupid. - I don't have non-productive hobbies. My activities are all "useful." e.g. I don't read fictions. - I have an extraordinary high tolerance for pain starting from early childhood. I remember as a pre-teen I fell playing basketball and got a patch of bloody road rash on my knee. I vividly remember being terrified because I ripped my brand new jeans, not because of the blood and open wound. Also, I never understood why people are afraid of dentists. - I don't express any emotions, and most of the time I don't experience any emotions. Even in extreme circumstances. I never thought much of it until somebody told me that it isn't normal. - Everything I do is, at the most basic level, a defensive mechanism. I know for years that I'm a master defender, which means I can un-arm most people within a minute or two, with all sorts of tactics, charm, humor, charisma, etc, etc. But I stay away from making connections with people. - My entire adult dating life has been plaque with fear and anger of women. and severe depression. Memories are starting to come in. New dreams, too. I started to realize how unreasonable my mother was when she demanded me not to cough nor sneeze when I was sick as a child, or she would beat me up. I never had a sick day until I went to boarding school at 16. I remember how I was proud of my being able to control my body to not cough or sneeze. It never occurred to me until now that this was an inhumane demand from my mother. I also started to realize how unreasonable and irresponsible she was to blame me for her bad marriage. More and more facts are starting to flow from my deep subconscious. I am very thankful that I found this book. Thank you, Alice Miller, wherever you are.

i wrote a note on the cover page which reads: "this is a very sad book. and very necessary to read BEFORE one has children. unfortunately too late for me :((". and this is how i felt (and still feel) after having read it (just finished it at 2 am this morning). the premise of the book is that what we are not aware of, rules (destroys) our lives. the trauma of being mistreated, manipulated, ridiculed or just ignored in the first days / years of our lives by adults we depended on for our existence gets stored in our bodies and it conditions us not only to neurosis, but also to taking it out on the first available weaker person -usually our children. it also claims that thanks to the way we are brought up and "loved" by our (own screwed up and wounded) caretakers conditionally, for what we do and how we behave and not for who we are (for the fact we exist), we tend to deny parts of ourselves that the caretakers wish to expunge. we mould ourselves according to what we think they want, and lose ourselves in the process. as adults, we keep carrying the feeling of inadeqacy and unworthiness and experience it as depression or grandiosity (in which no achievement really is enough for us to start valuing ourselves so we keep pushing for more, just to keep the depression and worthlessness at bay). some children, on the other hand, "kill" their own emotions and feelings, in order to keep their caretaker's love. in all cases children take the "blame and shame" for their "inadequacies" and idealize the parents or caretakers who inflicted the wounds. at times, reading this book, i would remember the fact that i too remember nothing of my childhood, except that it was "idilic". or was it? repression of memories and feelings can go straight into almost complete amnesia. i also thought of a few people i know, whose parents are strict and cold, who display very little emotion, but go thru life sucking love out of other people only to discard them when they get it. i would remember how i sometimes lash out at my son, like his being a child is a crime.. the same way i was loved for my achievements, i sometimes get demanding on him and show discontent when he does not comply. i thought of my son's difficult birth and 6 days in ER, without me, all alone. and i want to scream :( this book hit me like a hammer. i hope i read it on time. everyone should do the same, if not for their own sake, then for sake of their innocent children. oh, and one more thing: sentences are so damn long and sometimes barely comprehensible. the translation could have been done more in the spirit of english language.

Livre de psychanalyse ardu parfois mais toujours intéressant notamment au niveau des rêves! Pour mieux se comprendre et se vivre!

This book came to me just at the right time for understanding and healing. It helped so much

Alice Miller was a true maverick in what she preached in that people from babies on deserve love, care, dignity and respect. She also deserves credit for her beliefs in revisiting childhood trauma with a trained professional in order to be able to free oneself from it. A must read for those trying to understand the pain of their childhood. Even more important to getting the full picture is to read her son Martin Miller’s book “The True Drama Of The Gifted Child!” Martin tells the truth about his horrendous childhood at the hands of Alice and her husband, his father, yet Martin is able to rise above his own pain, understand his mother’s life trauma and come out on top. Martin is my hero and Alice is too in that she refused to back down from her beliefs of the importance of child’s right!

The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self This book was recommended to me by my therapist of 6 years. It is a fascinating and truly enlighting read if you want to learn and understand how you came to be the person you are now. This book reads as if had been written just for me - it's my story and you may think, possibly yours too. It explains how from the very second of being born, we are influenced by our first experiences, good ones resulting in a pretty rounded, confident and happy people; bad experiences as in my case, result in so many life problems, for example, mental health disorders (you are often mis-labelled as in my own case, i am listed by my psychiatrist as having rapid-cycling bipolar disorder, chronic depression, anxiety states, borderline personality disorder and atypical anorexia). In actual fact, when you are dedicated to sticking out sometimes very painful therapy, you actually find that these labels are wrong. You are who you are because of your very earliest influences and experiences. I couldn't put this book down - it was like looking in a mirror and seeing myself. It will have you smiling and crying all on the same page! It is the most amazing book i have ever read and has helped me understand so much better why i am who i am and then using that knowledge with your therapist, you can get your life back, you can be 'normal', it's ok to be angry, sad, jealous, happy, even ecstatic - these are all normal emotions which have been stunted in your early years by either abuse or neglect of any sort. Reading this book has given me back my life. I have turned from being a shy, very introverted, unhappy, frightened woman with extremely low self-esteem, to now, being confident, happy, and that's really ok, i value my needs and refuse to get into abusive situations. I don't think i could ever bear to part with this book, although i know people that have been involved in my mental health care would be interested to read it, but i'm afraid they'll have to purchase this book for themselves 'cos i'm not letting go of my precious copy! Extremely highly recommended. Happy reading!

Interesting perspective.