Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife's Guide to Recovery and Renewal Paperback – February 1, 2010

For over 2 years I have been looking through books and websites to find advice on living through divorce. Every single one I've found (until now) has assured me that an affair doesn't have to be the end of the relationship, if you're willing to try to forgive and work hard to get through it together. But like the other women depicted in this book, I wasn't given that choice. My fate was decided by the one person I loved, respected and trusted beyond all others. The person I had spent 2 decades with. The person I was thoroughly convinced was my best friend, closest confidant, and greatest supporter. To say I was devastated when he walked away to pursue a relationship with a woman who lives on another continent is an understatement. Every descriptive word I know is an understatement.When the person you trust most betrays you and all your future plans have evaporated into the ether, it’s shocking and painful, but it's nothing compared to the realization that your past was an illusion. The man you thought you knew better than anyone else has proven himself to be a stranger. And what I discovered, along with the vast majority of the women who participated in the study that lead to this book, is that he is a cruel and utterly uncaring stranger. He not only takes absolutely no emotional or financial responsibility for his unilateral decision to end a loving, decades-long shared relationship, but he places the blame for that ending squarely at the foot of the person who desperately wants to try to save the marriage. And you will be met with steely eyes and stinging, callous words when you attempt to call him on this bullshit. This twist of the knife, this cowardly and excruciatingly painful act by this stranger wearing a mask of your beloved’s face, turns logic and reason upside down, it turns victim into perpetrator. And the victim is left in such a surreal, utterly unrecognizable landscape, suffering such profound shock, that for a long while she is likely to believe it. The man she knows so well, who loved her so completely is simply incapable of intentionally inflicting such pain…so it must be her own damn fault.I found this book, Runaway Husbands, a few days ago and it is the only example I've found thus far that clearly shows that not all divorces are created equal. The horrific pain, the unequaled confusion, the foaming-at-the-mouth fury, the bottomless sense of shame and humiliation, the powerful shock and the profound sense of loss that comes from being utterly left out of the decision-making process, of realizing that the destruction of your marriage is a fait accompli can break you. It can quite literally drive you insane. Your happy, secure world is forever changed, and it's a cruel, cold, unreliable one, void of love and trust, that you now have to face alone.With this study, you will at least learn that thousands of other women have experienced the same thing, and that there are a whole lot of men (and a few women, too), who simply have no compunction about shattering the lives of the people who love them. You will learn that your spouse emotionally checked out long ago (he just didn’t bother to tell you or indicate to you that he was gone—or he simply lied outright about an affair or his growing disinterest in you when you questioned him after sensing that something was not right), and as such, they now find your emotional response utterly distasteful and puerile. They have moved on. Why can’t you? You will learn that, despite decades of actions and words to the contrary, they never truly loved you, and now would you kindly move aside so they can embrace their shiny, new future full of exciting, sexy possibilities? They step over you as you lay on the floor in the fetal position, sobbing in shock and disbelief; they throw a love with an amazingly strong, supportive, nurturing pedigree into the nearest trash can and they don’t look back. They are narcissistic, short-sighted, and cowardly. They care about their own future; they have no energy or interest to spend considering the past.But this book does not let you wallow in your victimhood for too long. Yes, you have been wronged, yes you have lost significant amounts of weight because the experience has rendered food tasteless and half of what you do manage to choke down makes you want to vomit, yes, it’s painful to even take the next breath and it seems impossible some days to get out of bed, and yes, you have suffered what is probably the most profound loss of your entire life. But your grief and shock is a NATURAL reaction to the whiplash-like pain you have just experienced. You are NOT going crazy, and you are NOT under any obligation to ANYONE to dry your tears and move on after some arbitrary length of time. You are NOT weak and you are NOT being lazy by staying in and licking your wounds. You are not a freak because you’re not “over it” yet. It takes time to deal with such strong emotions and such profound loss of trust, loss of happiness, loss of security, loss of future plans, loss of love. And you are NOT to blame for your partner’s devastating actions. THEY ARE. It’s going to take months, even years, but one day you will be able to start enjoying your present and planning for a better future. The advice and coping tools offered up here will help. You CAN get through it and you can even build a better life out of the rubble. You might even be able to trust someone again and open yourself up to the possibility of love. I'm not that far along myself, but this book has helped me tremendously already, and I hope that if you have been in a similarly heart-wrenching situation, you will read it and let it help you, too.

"Runaway Husbands" was the first book I read that put a name to what I was going through as I watched my 25 year "happy marriage" disintegrate in front of me and the man I loved my entire adult life become a stranger before my eyes. Vikki methodically maps the characteristics of this type of "man" and details the common experiences of women who've gone through this hell, giving hope and understanding to every woman struggling with the unreality of her new reality.I was in that seemingly perfect love story - we were the couple everyone envied. Close, intimate and totally at ease, sharing laughter and a love of life that was truly magical. But the discovery of one errant email followed by pictures of a woman's genitalia on his cell phone tripped him up and - upon being caught red-handed, he informed me a four year affair and that OUR life: me, our two beautiful children, a quarter century together filled to the brim with happy memories - was not worth the hard work and sacrifices (giving up his mistress and the teacher's union activities they used to meet each other) to save. And with that - he walked out the door and never looked back. I felt as gutted as a fish and the pain practically killed me.But knowledge is power - and Vikki gives any woman facing this scenario facts and data to survive the fall down this rabbit hole and recognize it as a very sad but all-too-common phenomenon. Most helpful to me was the tiny portion about the "other woman" - who is astoundingly neither a 28 yr old aerobics hottie nor an elegant Princess Di type. They are - across the board - so much less than the wife they usurp. A dumbed down, down-classed version of what the husband already had. Having faced my replacement and taken her measure...well... Vikki's insight kept my head from exploding at the total disconnect between what my husband had always wanted in a woman versus his most recent choice. And she is totally right- the mistress is a "bit player" in the tragedy - the protagonist with the horrific fatal flaw is the husband who leaves. It really is all about him.Read the book. Learn the lessons of what we've all gone through. It's never easy when you find the most important thing in your life - your marriage - completely devalued by the most important person in your life. Let "Runaway Husbands" throw you a lifeline of information and a pathway into a new, better reality.