Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating

Some of the information is great. However, some info is WRONG and some of it is so wrong it's harmful. I'm the betrayed wife, over a year since discovery. I have no religious objections to porn or sex. I love sex (and if anything I was the higher libido one in our 20 year relationship).However, I am concerned some of the information may harm reconciliation or lead the man down the wrong path.For example: Page 115: A list of things the man must do during early stages. One big one is to refuse to have sex with the wife.  wtf?! A betrayed wife would already be feeling extremely unattractive and undesirable, so the best course of action is to reject her sexually? Think about that for a second.The rationale: "wife doesn't trust you. There is no reason anyone should have sex with someone they don't trust". Wut? First half of the book says it's normal & healthy for men to stick their wang in any pretty thing, no need to get to know her (much less trust her). Now you're telling men that there's "no reason" anyone should have sex with someone they don't trust.Let the wife decide; do not take that choice away from her.   You didn't give her the choice before you banged hookers or hit up random Facebook women for meetups. Then you kept it from her, taking her choice (informed consent) away to remain with you day after day, lie after lie.Also consider that for some women (myself included), Physical Touch is their primary Love Language.  Deny her sex and to that woman you're basically saying you deny her love. Also, men who were busy with affairs and too much porn often neglected their wives sexually.  Maybe she hasn't been sexually happy in awhile.  Better advice:  let her decide on sexual frequency... and make it a giving act.   Shift from sex as self gratification to sex as a way to give pleasure to the woman you love. P. 167: "the demanding spouse": says that some wives will think they "own the man's time".  No, that's not it.  We have been emotionally traumatized and we suffer horrible fear or anxiety thanks to our husbands choices.   We don't seek to smother our husband or take away his social life.  We seek to avoid our own punishment: the hours of anxiety and fear and intrusive thoughts while our untrustworthy husband is out socializing & having fun. Why not invite her along?  Or find some compromise?His advice "if she expects you to completely give up a hobby you enjoy, shes asking too much".   NO NO NO. Stand firmly on this, and you will appear to your betrayed wife as a man who is putting his hobby above his marriage.  This is wrong wrong wrong.    Right now the marriage needs to come first.  If the hobby can't be put on hold for 6 months or a year, where are your priorities? Her craziness doesn't last forever. It only lasts as long as it takes to re-establish some sense of safety, security, and trust.A better statement would be to advise men to listen to her objections and consider WHY this pastime is an issue.   Does the type of activity, the location, or circle of friends somehow relate to the infidelity?  Does engaging in it appear to the wife as if the man is in a high risk situation?One big red flag is if some of the friends in that hobby or social group aren't friends of the marriage.    They may have enabled him when he was cheating, they might not respect his marriage, or they may not respect any committed relationship.   Worst thing you can do for that man is send him right back to that social circle.  Research shows that one risk factor correlated with a person who WILL cheat is when they surround themselves with cheaters as friends. Wives: sometimes it is ok to say no he doesn't need to return to his previous hobby of Judge for the Wet T-Shirt Contest at the local bar.P. 154 covers a contract both sides must sign before the man proceeds Some is common sense (spouses should not hit each other). But some language is problematic. Item 6 "we agree no to engage in name calling.... and we will not be emotionally abusive".    But emotionally abusive isn't defined. If betrayed wife keeps saying things that makes wayward husband feel terrible day after day, is that "abusive"? What if the things she keeps saying that upsets him are merely her expressing her pain, anxiety, and nightmares about his infidelity, and him feeling terrible is just his guilt/shame?Overall, I do take issue with the overall tone of the book and its sweeping generalizations. The book overlooks the role of sex in men as a way to feel closer.  Look up the roles of Oxytocin and vasopressin in men. The sex act itself makes a man feel vulnerable and exposed. It shuts off some parts of the brain, allowing some men to experience deep feelings. Some men describe sex as not seeking a release but rather to join with another & connect. Unfortunately american men are raised in a culture that tells them emotions are a weakness, real men don't allow themselves become vulnerable, and sleeping with everyone proves how desirable he is (ego). Men don't necessarily have good role models for seeing sex as a loving act. And our current generation has access to all sorts of freaky porn 24/7, no proof of age needed. Porn, while a fun escape, trains the mind. Some men are so so trained by porn they report real sex is unsatisfying, they can't hold an erection during real sex (porn induced erectile dysfunction PIED), and/or they can't climax from real sex. And then add to it books like this one that *tell* men that all men are wired to have sex without emotion. It's the perfect recipe for creating men who can't find love, respect, or connection from sex.Maybe if these men did require a little respect before sex could happen, the cheating wouldn't have happened in the first place?On a personal note:Since being confronted, my husband spent a lot of time rethinking his promiscuous years (before we met) and his affair. He's finally coming to see that kind of behavior makes him (his words) a "man ho" and just cheapens the act and cheapens him. And with that comes the realization that great sex isn't the totally self-centered thing porn shows.I bought the book to show to him, but now I'm thinking the bad messages far outweigh the good. For the first time in years I think I need to return a book to Amazon.

The second most helpful book I have read on infidelity (the first is Chatting or Cheating by Sheri Meyers). Actually, I did not purchase this, my cheating partner had after I showed him the positive reviews left by therapists pertaining to it, I only read it to see what it was about and am thankful I had.This is an indispensable book written for the male betrayer to read, but the betrayed partner should definitely read it, as well. It is skewed towards a male betrayer, as I stated, because it is broken down in "man lingo" with "male-based analogies" for the male mind to better comprehend. This was actually helpful for our particular situation because it gave me insight into my partner's mind I may not have gained otherwise while it explained quite a bit to my partner about how his actions and misdeeds have screwed my head up and how to stop being a crappy partner in the future.Out of the Doghouse speaks directly to the cheating man about his conduct, his habits, his sense of self-entitlement all without judgment or guilt trips. It helps the cheating man recognize what in his behavior was unacceptable and how to open himself to change so that he can not only repair his behavior and relationship, but become empathetic to his betrayed partner and become a better partner, himself, in the process. Acknowledging the damage you caused and learning what your partner is really going through is vital, but so is learning how to change your behavior.Out of the Doghouse has a wonderful wealth of information and realistic suggestions to help the betrayer overcome his conduct and attune himself to his partner once more, thus earning her trust back and setting the relationship back on course.I wish there was more reference to online infidelity, however, as this is a rampant issue in this day and age and also the situation which has rocked my own decade-long relationship. Despite what the book suggests, online infidelity is more than dating hook-up websites and web cam sex cheating. It also fails to truly address emotional cheating and primarily focuses on sexual cheating, and my partner had been guilty of both with his long-term online affair. Would have loved more insight on these matters.

My husband cheated on me for years. When I found out, I somehow stumbled on this book. The author tells it like it is- he doesn’t blame the betrayed spouse in anyway! He tells the betrayer exactly how it is, what’s going to happen, and suggestions for dealing with the fallout. Not lying, not tricking- just how to properly understand the betrayed partners emotions.Yes. He does suggest no sex. Only because some betrayed partners will go into “hysterical bonding” mode and this *can* be bad for healing. He doesn’t say NEVER have sex, but to build real infancy first. To allow real healing and rebuild the emotional bond you once had.I suggest the betrayed partner read this first- make notes for yourself about what you think, how you feel about the advice. But don’t share those with the partner who cheated. Allow them to read through and draw their own conclusions.Straying partners- READ IT TWICE!! Understand that he is 100% correct!! This IS what happens! This IS how we feel!! Please don’t lie to us, please don’t give us more reason to distrust. If you REALLY want this to work, really read this book!

Still waiting for the intended reader to read it. I was able to give it a quick read in just a few hours. Very point blank and spot on.

Absolutely got my husband to see how hurt his wife was. Great book.After D-day, a man's mid-life crisis brain shuts down and blocks out all that happened during the affair. Add to that their love for their family and wife which blinds them as to the damage they have done. They just can't comprehend that their loved ones are in pain and that they are responsible for having caused this pain. Robert Weiss speaks to men in a direct, honest way. This book was instrumental in the final phase of our healing from a mid-life crisis (meaningless) affair. This should be REQUIRED READING for any man who sincerely wants to rebuild and save his marriage after making a stupid mistake. If you follow Robert Weiss's advice and direction (and sincerely want to rebuild what you have damaged), YOU WILL GET OUT OF THE DOGHOUSE!

Helps females understand thoughts & behaviors of males.

Good book. Hit the nail on the head!

Good information. Very practical.