The Wounded Heart Companion Workbook: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse

As I've mentioned in my previous reviews on self-help books for abuse survivors, I don't go for the current so-called Christian clap-trap ideas of healing and forgiving. Many push the idea that you should "forgive and forget," bury the memories, and be nice to your abuser by never mentioning the past, to "get along" at all costs. Some also argue that we should just hand it all over to Jesus and everything will be fine.Dan Allender boldly attacks and rejects these notions in his book The Wounded Heart. Allender is a Christian counselor who has worked extensively with victims of sexual abuse throughout his career, and Colorado Christian University I believe still maintains a sexual abuse ministry he helped establish. The book itself is written mostly for women, though I believe men can also benefit from it.My interest in this book was piqued by a friend who herself had used the book to tackle her own past issues. Something about the hopeful tone I picked up in her voice told me this book offered something different and worth looking into.The Wounded Heart took me several months to finish, but not because it is poorly written or boring. Rather it is because Allender's words, what he has to offer, is so intense that I had to take breaks and let the weight of what I just read absorb before I could move forward with taking another bite. This book is definitely not for those in search of a quick read or wanting pat answers.The first thing Allender does, and nicely done I might add, is stake through the heart all the notions that we have to play nicey-nice for everyone else's comfort and look like a good Christian while facing down our pasts. If anything, he states that this is probably the most damaging thing to push on an abuse survivor, because you can't bury what's alive and expect it not to scream. The cost of "getting along" with someone who has committed one of the greater evils in life against you for the sake of pleasing everyone else is ultimately that of revictimization, greater pain, and a deadening of the soul.In reality this is not a true calling of Christ. Instead it's a way of other Christians to not have to face the discomfort they feel in response to the painful reality that something as horrendous as sexual abuse exists. They don't want to risk losing that warm fuzzy feeling some contemporary Christian experts and authors have rightly come to term "cheap grace." It is artificial in nature and stifles long-term growth.From here, Allender explores how victims are often set up for abuse, most commonly from a vicious cycle created from an unloved, unhappy child receiving attention from a perpetrator zeroing in on a kill. The child, in turn, will do anything for continued attention... setting them up for unwilling compliance to the unspeakable.Sometimes this is reinforced by other family members who cannot or will not understand why their child will suddenly turn cold towards Uncle Fred and chastize her for not minding her manners. It perpetuates an incredibly ugly cycle.Allender then analyzes the effects sexual abuse has on the victim in later life. He outlines three specific personalities that can emerge. I recognized myself in all three as I looked back on my life. I could see where I was a Good Girl to please everyone and get along so people would like me, the Tough Girl because of that part of me that'd had enough of being a doormat and hyper-reacted, and the Party Girl during the times I wanted attention but didn't want anyone too close to me, which sadly was often.The Wounded Heart then sets before the reader a challenge: We must die to the self that has come out of the past, and find renewed life in God to become what we were meant to be, not what the abuser made one into through his or her sinful acts, and we must act boldly for this change to occur. Allender could not be more tender or compassionate in getting this message across, but he also delivers it with complete and unwavering conviction. What he has to say is undeniable and motivating.It's also crystal clear that we must do the work. God is there to guide and inspire, but as human beings with free will, the effort and the power to change is ours. Simply lobbing the whole mess into Jesus' lap and expecting Him to fix it all without us pitching in simply will not do... and speaking philosophically here, I do not believe it would be within our natures to feel satisfied or successful even if problems could be solved this way.The book also covers ways in which a former victim can and should respond to various abusers in their daily life. Allender breaks down that there are different types of abusers, ranging from those annoying snotty little jerks we'll have to deal with every day simply because we live in a fallen world, all the way up to the perpetrator of the abuse and what Allender calls an abuse-surrogate, a significant other who has taken the place of the perpetrator in the victim's life and mind and continues to create an abusive environment. With the last two, there must be change to end the cycle.With the childhood perpetrator, The Wounded Heart makes it very clear that there is no requirement to forgive or continue a relationship with such a person unless they have met certain conditions that indicate they repent and take responsibility for what they have done. In fact, it is argued, a relationship must not continue and there must not be forgiveness at all until this happens for the sake of the victim's recovery.This is a Christian principle through and through. Allender cites Luke 17:3 in his emphasis that forgiveness towards the abuser is indeed conditional, something many Christians overlook in what is likely a spirit of misinformation. Yes, we must forgive as God forgives; however, God only forgives when there is repentance and amends are made."They know not what they do" cannot be argued here either - an abuser is a predator. They plan, they scheme and they deliberately attack having full knowledge of right and wrong. God has no qualms with calling us to discern what is evil. We must, lest we compromise morals and principles that help us protect the innocent.The Wounded Heart is a cogent, loving devotional that dedicates itself soulfully to helping the sexual abuse victim discover a relationship with God they likely imagined they could never have. I cannot recommend this book enough for any Christian who is struggling with childhood sexual abuse; I have no reason to believe it can't help non-Christians at some level as well, if for nothing else than for validation and ideas on how to work through the abuse.A companion workbook is available for use on one's own or in a support group. I do have a copy of this and I will review it once I've worked through its contents.

Allender said in his book that most Christians don't want to look at the cause of sin, and the consequences. We'd prefer to live in the surface grace that makes us look "okay" and give the illusion that we are maturing in Christ.This book helped me to understand that when God said He is looking for those to worship in spirit and in truth, that's exactly what He means. How can we worship God when we bury pain, our questions and fears about what's happened to us, and pretend that we trust Him when in truth we've raised up idols that are supposed to fill the unending gaping hole in our soul?I was abused as a child. I always downplayed it and thought of it as something in the past. It truly wasn't something that affected me in my life currently. But I've had some serious issues functioning in my everyday life. I was coping, surviving, but not living. Things got to the point in my life that I experienced physical pain in my body from emotional issues.This book was horrific to read. It was like a bright light shining into the darkness of my life. And things weren't pretty. They were ugly, painful, and raw. I can't read the book straight through. It made me want to run away. The truth is for me, that it's the light that I'm afraid of, not the dark. This book will bring to light things you might not want to see. Actually, if you've been abused sexually or in any other way, it will definetly be mentally and emotionally astonishing.At the same time, as horrific as the experience was, there is peace in the light. There's no hiding. Read it with a humble and open heart. Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel; ask God to give you wisdom and read it at your own pace. But don't turn away from the light. God can and I believe will use this book to touch many broken, hurting and torn souls and bring them into truth. The truth does set us free, and the truth is in Jesus Christ. We can bring Him the REAL issues of our life. ASK THE QUESTIONS YOU'VE AVOIDED OR HID BEHIND. Our questions don't scare God.It's not an easy, fast, or simple process. But the amazing freedom and love we look for I believe has been through the valley of death. Buy the book. And pray.

This book is a great help in therapy. I have personally gone through the book twice, and gotten a great deal out of it both times. The workbook really allows you to take what you learn in the book and apply it to your own life. It is hard. The process of becoming aware of what is and isn't abuse is hard enough (and this has nothing to do with "recovering" memories, it simply has to do with finding out what you thought was normal is horrifyingly not). Processing the memories is what, over time, helps you stop living in them all the time. But then, you have to face the Biblical truth of sin being passed down the generations. It's not enough to break the pattern. You also have to recognize how you lashed out and hurt people while you were trying to protect yourself. You have to stop doing that and learn how to have healthy responses. The first time I went through the book, I fought against the idea that I, the victim, also victimized other people along the way. The second time through, I accepted that my abusers had shaped my behavior, and that I had to choose how I wanted to treat people, and not let my abusers control my current relationships. That changed my life.

The wounded heart is the best text I have found for helping people who have suffered from abuse. It honestly describes the battle that needs to be engaged to travel from brokenness to wholeness and it puts in place a process that can bring about the healing necessary to live life free from the fruit of abuse.

Great Satisfaction !!!!! Thank you....Great saving for money highly recommending!!!!

Fab

doesn't follow the book very well - easy to get lost. Also, the focus is mainly on abuse that happens in the home by family and doesn't take into consideration rape/abuse outside of this environment. Lots of parent blaming and tends to miss a lot of the "classic symptoms" of sexual assault. It's still better than nothing and has some informing points but I've certainly read better ones than this!

This book purchased from Amazon was delivered within days of ordering. I was amazed with the speed of delivery as well as having this book and its companion at such a low price. The workbook is simple if you follow the directions in the workbook. Don't try to match chapter for chapter in order of both books as the chapters are not written in the same order. The workbook says when to read certain pages in the other book and it makes sense. The questions are simple to answer and not overwhelming. I am still continuing to make my way through the workbook and am satisfied at this point. I go through the written material at my speed. These are the best books I have purchased for dealing with my past abuse. Very satisfied.