The High-Conflict Custody Battle: Protect Yourself and Your Kids from a Toxic Divorce, False Accusations, and Parental Alienation Paperback – November 1, 2014

Solid, well-informed, nitty gritty, useful information. This book now forms the backbone of my efforts, particularly the list of what to ask for when going to court, in chapter 9. This is not a flashy book, but the advice comes from current experience of a researcher who is active in a very specialized field. The advice I've gotten from most everyone else (including therapists and attorneys) has gone astray in one way or another but what I've gotten from Dr Baker is holding up the test of time. Because she consults regularly with parents who are experiencing parental alienation, and also does research on the subject, her recommendations come battle-tested. This is not a feel-good book, because the subject is not feel good, but I wish I'd had it from the beginning, because even my lawyer and therapists have made mistakes this book could have prevented. Now I'm using this book to help pick up those pieces.Also, this book is doesn't have a lot of background about the demographics and development of (what's more or less being known as) alienation; it's about actions to take if you already believe alienation describes your situation. There are also exercises to do in some chapters, which seem very simplistic if you don't do them, but I've found invaluable. One was to make a list of your worst fears and then make some attempt to figure out just how likely they really are.One mistake I could have avoided if I'd known about this book is that any therapy ordered by the court has to include both parents, not just the targeted parent and children. When the favored parent is omitted from the order for therapy, everyone involved tends to assume that the problem resides with the targeted parent. This exacerbates rather than helps the very problem it is intended to solve. Otherwise competent professionals can be misled by this, which is probably a form of cognitive bias.Another mistake I could have avoided is that if the children participate in therapy to help heal the relationship, it should not be insight-oriented, which is intended to form a bond between therapist and client in order to facilitate trust, in which the client tells about their feelings and the therapist validates the clients feelings. Education-oriented therapy is more appropriate, because the problem being treated is that the children have developed misperceptions about the targeted parent. The last thing they need is a therapist who says, "Tell me more about why you feel your parent is so terrible."The most important advice I've received from Dr Baker - and I don't remember if it's from this book or one of her others - is that no matter what happens, the targeted parent must keep showing up and use empathic responding every time to interact with the children, even if it's only for one minute. Following that advice has resulted in my parent time going from a total shut-out to being able to actually have interactions with my children.This book is kinda tough-love-ish in places. When your reputation with your own loved ones is being denigrated, it's tempting to want reassurance. There is reassurance here; but sometimes the right advice is that you have to find a way to suck it up in order to wade into the fray. It doesn't feel good. But it's necessary, and it works. Also, the reunification therapy described at the end sounds dreamy but is hugely expensive, only available in a few places, and not yet widely recognized by courts. We as a society are still new to developing solutions to this problem.Other recommended titles are Bill Eddy's What's Your Proposal and Margalis Fjelstad's Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist. Also recommended for more ideas on how to respond well to the children for the time you do get is John Gottman and Daniel Goleman's Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child; although the examples of parents who get to be with their children are heartbreaking when you don't have much access to yours, there are some very insightful tips about how to orient your thinking so that you can maintain an empathic response.I'm rating this five stars not because it's perfect, but because I recommend it as an essential tool in the arsenal for parents who are experiencing one of the most devastating scenarios possible. When your children and your reputation are turned against you, you need to know which tools you can rely on. This is one of them.

I bought this for a friend who’s son was going through an unhappy divorce. I haven’t anything to report back. But at least there is something to give a glimpse of what things might mean.

Took a very long time to arrive but finally did receive it - even though it said one day and I have prime it took two weeks to get here. The book is much smaller than pictures indicate.

I like the authors .. Mr. Bone I have spoken to personally and he is on point with his views on wanting to bring notice to this terrible thing happening in our family courts. How can people go to the courts for help with their high conflict spouse and expect to get help if the courts have zero education on the realties of these types of relationships. for lack of knowledge things are going terribly wrong in family courts allowing often more than not the abuser is getting custody and the healthier parent is being kept out of the Childs life completely how is this travesty happening to 22 million Americans and not one tv station discusses it or brings it into the news .. its domestic terrorism

When you’re going through a divorce with a self absorbed narcissistic personality you will find this book useful for not pulling your hair out. Outside of this book just get ready for war as conflict divorce sucks and is very expensive. Best advice is To never get married in the first place as it’s just a obligation not about relationships but more about control and government. Just like the obligation to buy jewelry such as a diamond wedding ring that really means absolutely nothing in the big picture of relationships. Protect your hard work your investments and your ability to retire one day by not making the mistake of getting married. Never ever give up your fight for your children.

I bought this book as a tool to help my husband and I with our high conflict custody battle. As we can not afford a lawyer, I have been trying to educate myself and do as much research I can to try to help us. Surprisingly I couldn’t find that many books that pertained to a specifically high conflict case such as ours. I did judge this book by its cover by assuming it was exactly what I needed. However, 90% of this book is information about what to do when you hire a lawyer. So it seemed odd because if you had a lawyer then I’m not sure how much you would need this book. So yeah, not what I thought it was going to be

Invaluable advice. I was in a custody battle with my ex husband for nine years. Had a high priced lawyer and all, but got nowhere with the judge. This book helped me realize what proof the judge needed to make an informed custody decision. I now have full custody of my children and I owe it in part to this book. It finally helped me organize all my information and present it to the judge in a way she could understand. It also helped me realize that even thought I know my case through and through, the judge only knows what both parties present in the way of evidence because they have hundreds of cases. YOU need to present solid evidence and this book can help you do that. Good luck and remember, it is about the kids lives, not your wants!

Provides excellent guidance on how to proceed, what steps to take, etc. Good info to go over with your lawyer.