The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of Hurtful Parenting

It seems that my parents only loved me or talked nice to me when I either behaved or did what was on their agenda. At sixteen, I was twenty minutes late arriving home and my father, with arms like Popeye, beat me with a baseball bat an hour after he came back from church. Instead of my mom protecting me, she walked out. Until I left home three years later, I walked the line. I never learned to relax; in fact, for the next twenty four years, in order to feel good, not feel or calm my bad feelings was to drink, take pills, overeat, overwork and have sex and fight. At age seventeen, desperate to feel safe and have a sense of belonging, I joined a Non-Denominational Christian Church, which turned out to be a cult who kept me captive for thirteen years. At age forty-one, I found myself in the emergency room of Riverside Hospital having my wrist sown up from attempted suicide. The doctor asked me what happened and I told him I wanted to hurt myself. Instead of locking me up in a psyche ward, he sent me home with a friend asking her to watch me for the next twenty-four years. I went home in shock. I tried to kill myself and the doctors send me home. Here I am sixty years old and after reading this book I am free enough to tell my story. This book holds ideas on how I can deal and heal with from my poisonous past. “Frequently, Physical illnesses are the body’s response to permanent disregard of its vital functions. One of our most vital functions is an ability to listen to the true story of our lives… The central issue in this book is the conflict between the things we feel – the things our bodies register – and the things we think we ought to feel so as to comply with moral norms and standards we have internalized at an early age.” (Page 19) “Anxious to stay in line with the system of moral values I had accepted, I did my best to imagine good feelings I did not possess while ignoring the bad feelings I did have.” (Page 20) “The only way out of this dilemma is to become aware of these mechanisms and to identify the reality of our own childhood by counteracting the processes of repression and denial.” (Page 22) “What is absolutely imperative is the termination of the harmful attachment to the internalized to the internalized parents of childhood, an attachment that, though we call it love, certainly does not deserve the name.” (Page 96) “… People who have been severed from their true feelings since early childhood will be dependent on institutions like the church and will let themselves be told what they are allowed to feel.” (Page 119) “... (We) are no longer a child, and my life no longer depends on recognition from ‘the family.” (Pages 128) “The goal of a successful therapy is liberation from a painful dependency – not reconciliation, which is only a moralistic and not a physiological demand.” (Page 131) “The Body Never Lies” by Alice Miller

In October 2013, I awoke with suicidal thoughts. I had been drinking 1 liter of vodka every day for several months. Something within me enabled me to take myself to the hospital, where I was admitted to the psychiatric unit. There, I detoxed from alcohol. I as transferred to a chemical dependency treatment center; I read The Body Never Lies and Free From Lies. Through reading both of these books, I as able to discover the root of my anxiety, depression, addiction, and, ultimately, suicidal ideation. Alice Miller's writing made me realize that I was not to blame. I was not a "bad seed," as I had been led to believe by my mother. Depression was my body's way of coming to my aid -- of insisting that the truth be heard and processed. Through journaling and many conversations with my peers in treatment, I was able finally to love and protect myself, as I had never been loved and protected before. The persons to whom I should have been able to turn for protection and empathy, I instead had to fear and mistrust. It is extremely freeing to finally attribute my self-destructive behavior, mental illnesses and addiction to abuse. Alice Miller's work changed my life, and I believe I would be dead were it not for reading these books. I have recently enrolled in college, and my goal is to earn my bachelor's in psychology, then master's, and eventually become a psychotherapist. Rest in peace, Alice. You had a miraculously positive impact on the world. I wish you were still here so that I could email you or talk to you. Love, Marc

For me the ideas espoused in this book were new, but could have been presented more succinctly. The book really contains one theme--the emotional damage inflicted by parents causes lifelong physical trauma which is either manifested personally or is inflicted on others. It gives numerous examples, but does not discuss how to overcome this issue in enough detail. Still worth reading.

After coasting through the past ten years in a fog of depression and unfulfilling relationships, I started seeing a counselor who recommended this book to me. I'm not exaggerating when I say it changed my life. Alice Miller argues that as children, we are often instructed to "honor" our parents and win their love by suppressing our genuine feelings - especially the hurt and anger we naturally feel in response to abuse. Society reinforces this belief by idealizing parents and discouraging us from telling the truth about what we experienced as children. However, this suppression has a poisonous effect on the body and mind (and society as a whole). As much as we try to hide those feelings, they make themselves known through various kinds of suffering, both emotional and physical. Miller argues that once we are allowed to give voice to our true feelings and offer some compassion to ourselves - rather than the facade we have created to please others, namely our parents - then that real self no longer has to cry for attention through the suffering of our bodies and minds. This turned out to be very true for me. I feel that I can now be honest with myself and others without fearing rejection and loss of love. I highly recommend this book and Miller's other offerings to anyone dealing with depression, childhood abuse, or feelings of general emptiness and dissatisfaction. **After recently re-reading this book, I would probably remove one star from my rating due to Miller's pure speculation in Part I, in which she deconstructs the writings and life stories of famous authors and artists. This section can also be slow and might be difficult for some readers to get through. I also wish that she (or the translator) had broadened her definition of abuse. She frequently uses the term "beatings" to summarize the harm children can suffer at the hands of their parents. But mental and emotional abuse can be just as detrimental to a child's development and self-image, and readers who experienced such should not discount the impact of their own experiences. However, Miller's overall argument is so powerful that I can't help but recommend the book despite its flaws.

I have worked with abused children and adults for 15 years and have experienced professionally and personally the moral view that it is taboo to blame a parent. I have never felt comfortable with this nor with the notion that forgiveness cures all. Forgiveness requires two people to be actively involved in the process and unfortunately this doesn't happen as much as it should. Although I don't endorse an overall stance of "parent blaming," I do endorse accountability and honesty. In order for healing to occur anger and grief must be addressed and this is impossible if folks are told they must appreciate what their parents did for them and honor their efforts no matter how neglectful or abusive. If a stranger treated children in the ways we turn our heads to the ways parents have and continue to treat children we would be starting a lynch mob. This does not occur because of the professional stance that if we start to tell parents what they are doing is harmful or stating that they need to change it will keep them from seeking help, become defensive and distrusting of professionals. I do not believe this is true. Professionals that are trained well and ethically are able to address these tough issues without the feared consequences. Our society is protecting these abusive adults and treating them like victims rather than focusing on the real victim, the child! I applaud Alice Miller for such an honest and controversial book that will hopefully open the eyes of our human service professionals and therapists and do the right thing for the true victims, the children!

I'm so excited for this book! I recently read (at the advice of a fellow EMS friend) Bessel Van Der Kolk's The Body Keeps The Score and found it very enlightening. From a person who suffered child abuse in every form of the word, the information in it really opened my eyes as to how much I jad been holding in my entire adult life. Not to mention the things I've seen in the back of the medic for 20+ years, it was such a great read. This book by Alice Miller has the same ideas about trauma and its effects on our physical well-being. Just the first few pages have already gotten my attention and has me ready to binge read this book tonight. Anyone who has suffered any form of trauma and/or abuse in any form should get these two books immediately. While they do not have all the answers, they do give you a leg to stand on and a beginning point to healing yourself so that you may have a better and happier life. I plan to build my library with a fee more of Alice Miller's books as I think they will be heavily beneficial to my life in general.

The author's theory is that suppressed memories of parental abuse eventually lead to their children's illnesses, and that recognizing this abuse and seeking therapy is enough to mitigate the diseases. She takes several biographical examples to show this premise, but I'm not convinced. Of course, I believe that suppressed and denied memories cause physical symptoms, mental illness, suicides, personality disorders, but her examples are all anecdotal, and all from the 19th-early 20th century, when people died earlier anyway and infectious diseases like tuberculosis were common. The actual science itself is pretty thin. However, I do agree with much of what she says in general about parental abuse, denial of of abuse, etc. In fact, the author's description of her mom sounds very much like my mom, who suffered from narcissistic personality disorder (or more accurately, she made her family suffer for it). And I've highlighted most of chapter 8 because many of her statements were conclusions that I've already come to. Her theory is that most people are forced to deny parental abuse due to the 4th commandment in the bible. Well, I'm an athiest, and in my experience, people wanted me to deny abuse because they imagine that I'm slandering their own mothers. They lack the ability to comprehend that a mother can willingly cause so much mental damage in her kids. In their minds, I must have misunderstood my mom's motives or misinterpreted her beatings--in other words, they want to discredit my accounts because they can't imagine their own mothers doing anything of the sort. I don't think people these days think of the 4th commandment specifically, but they have psychological barriers of their own for wanting to hear someone else's truth. One helpful idea that Miller concludes is that therapists and "society" will expect abuse victims to forgive their parents, and that this forced forgiveness doesn't do anything to help the victims move on. In fact, it can cause more mental damage because the victims are generally expected to PRETEND that their parents were good people, as part of "being a better person" and "forgiving and moving on." This is a very freeing idea that Miller has supported, although I wish she could've cited some scientific studies on abuse victims who have genuinely forgiven to those who have suppressed their memories while pretending to forgive.

As someone who has an autoimmune disease I can’t help but wonder what might cause my body to turn on itself. Alice Miller finally unlocked several doors that cut me off from my body and the important story it was holding on to that I had refused to hear. Miller is prepared to bring down patriarchy and the church for the sake of the child - and the brave revolutionary and highly ethical results of her ability to think beyond the status quo is why her texts aren’t spoken of more often. She was clearly ahead of her time - and for all of our sakes I hope we will catch up to her. Now that Miller has taught me how to open the door to my body and listen - I feel that together (my body and myself) we will find a way to heal. I could not be more grateful to have hope instilled after medicine long ago told me there was no rad to hope from where I stood.

Alice Miller a fait un magnifique travail de recherche sur l'impact du "dressage" d'enfants . Se plonger dans ses livres permet de guérir la relation à soi et à ses enfants.

This book is full of analogies. Doesn't help much with the actual reason.

Great book if you have the courage to accept the truth of your history and that of your own parenting.

Great read. Miller accurately puts into words what I have been trying to convey for so long as a therapy patient. I’m still looking for the right help and now, thanks to this book, I have a more clear view of knowing what will be helpful and what not.

Excellent book for survivors as well as trauma victims