The Confidence Gap: A Guide to Overcoming Fear and Self-Doubt

I'm a junior in college, well off, and in no sort of life-trouble. I've just never had confidence in myself. I never felt like I was ready to take charge of my life, have never dated, and was always one of the awkward kids who couldn't socialize with new people because my throat would fail to open and my tongue twists on itself every 3 words or so. I was fine with friends and family, most of the time at least (sometimes my parents made me ashamed of myself, despite them doing a single thing or saying a single word. I would simply anxiously think to myself "my parents probably even think I'm weird.") 3 days ago I felt I had hit some sort of rock bottom level of motivation and simultaneously had the highest levels of generalized anxiety I had ever felt. I have always had some degree of anxiety since my teenage years or maybe even earlier, but recently I felt like I was losing control of my mind, losing control of the voice inside my head. Any efforts I made to improve my mental condition were met with self-doubt, I would give up on my efforts, and my confidence would drop even lower. I recognized that I was at a point where I had the potential to spiral into a depression, because my anxiety was beginning to rise at an exponential rate. I must admit I haven't read a book in years. I'm too lazy, reading is too boring, I don't like being told what to do, etc. All of these types of thoughts were preventing me from ever doing it, but I still passed through classes easily somehow, never improving my work ethic, or feeling proud of accomplishing something like reading a book. Well, I read this book in 3 days. One day I woke up and couldn't fall back asleep, at approx 6 am. I get up at 11 or later most of the time so this was waaaay to early to get things done. But I couldn't fall back asleep and then my feelings of anxiety as usual just switched back on. Immediately I was just done with that feeling. It was getting worse, after all. I went on Amazon, searched for "confidence books", found this one, didn't read any reviews but saw it had a good rating, bought it for Kindle, put it on my tablet, and started reading. It was a book that I trusted myself to at least open, and as soon as I did, I read some interesting stuff. I first read about how we are NOT our thoughts, we aren't all the culminations of the demands and actions of a dictator inside our head. Like some sort of mental trap, we have stuck ourselves in cycling lies such as a false understanding of motivation ("I'm waiting until I feel motivated to start running."), a false understanding of confidence ("I'm waiting until I feel confident before I try dating."), and a false understanding of fear ("I need to be fearless when I go up on that stage.") I'm trying to stop myself from typing too much. I'm just so excited, because something I have never thought I would ever type into some sort of product review is, this has turned my life around. I redefined my understanding of confidence, have practiced the well researched psychologist-backed methods for defusing from your own thoughts to fully focus on what the senses and what is happening in the present, and finally I can see some sort of path towards improving my confidence. I am not saying after reading the book I am immediately super confident and can make myself do whatever I want to to improve my life, I'm saying I now have the tools and enough understanding of the human psyche that I can actually feel some sort of direction in my life. I fully committed to what the book said. I was always a person who would just skip the details in most tasks. I didn't even read books before. But somehow, before I was reading the book, I had that stroke of anger, about my anxiety, that I felt propelled me into taking action, not this book specifically. But, thanks to specifically this book, I now know how I can CAUSE this to happen, not wait. Because I made an effort while using Russ's methods, and after I recognized that through his writing itself he was actually teaching us the basics of defusing from your thoughts (which blew my mind by the way, thank you Russ), I got totally engaged and focused in the book, and then the book taught me about focus itself, and how all we have to do to be focused and have to peak performance is to defuse and be mindful, and now it's just like everything makes sense. My head is clear. I didn't stop my thoughts, that's not what it's about. It is about truly understand that, once again, we are NOT our thoughts. Last I will mention, without shame, that I had tried using drugs and alcohol to cope with anxiety over the course of about 2 years. This had definitely contributed to making my anxiety worse. I say without shame because I can now admit that I know it was wrong to use them to try and improve my confidence. It was wrong not because I was using illicit substances but because I had believed it to be the answer, and to believe the answer to improving my mentality and attitude towards myself was anything other than taking actual actions was one of the wrongest wrongs I have ever had commited in my life. Now I am moving on. I have properly set goals for myself, like "jog 30 mins tonight", not "be the confident attractive beast you always dreamed of being." And if my mind tells me not to do it, and I can clearly tell that not doing it would not help me, then I have the tools to work around the feelings of discomfort and thoughts of "I can't do it.". And I will keep using these tools in other parts of life, parts I have not yet delved into. I read a book for the first time in 3 years, and now I feel great.

This has been such a practical and workable guide. I can actually report interacting with the world differently and more effectively while reading this book and doing the exercises. So good.

The book is really good. Written in easy language easy to understand. The ways of improvement given here are practically worth trying. But it lacks answers to many questions. The miat important of it is how to deal with a situation where you need to do some task bit you actually dont want to do it. But overall a good read for sure....

I never write reviews but this is the most impactful book I’ve ever read. If you are reluctant to do anything this is the book for you. It helps you rewire your brain to form a healthy relationship with the negative thoughts and feelings that get in the way of personal growth. I probably wouldn’t even be writing this review if it wasn’t for this book. A must have!

Very solid program for engaging with ACT skills. One of the resources I will recommend for my patients with obsessive rumination, social anxiety or isolating and avoidance behaviors with depression.

I have read more books then I can count on the subject of fear and anxiety. Russ Harris’s books have completely changed my life. I read the Happiness Trap first ( read it!) and my social anxiety went from a 10 to a 4. Im confident it will soon be nonexistent. This book is another gem with even more info. THANK YOU Russ Harris for your brilliant books. I will be recommending them to anyone and everyone that has fear or confidence issues.

Ah, just as I suspected: all that think-positive-Pollyanna-drivel is poppycock. According to Russ Harris, author of "The Confidence Gap", we evolved to think negatively. A hundred thousand years ago, if you weren't on constant vigil for dangers like lions, tigers, and bears in your environment, you didn't live very long, certainly not long enough to pass on your Pollyanna genes. So thinking negatively is ingrained in us, and I'm happy to hear that because I sure was getting sick and tired of those Stuart Smalley daily affirmations. "The Confidence Gap" is a guide to overcoming fear and self-doubt. As a recovering drug addict it's important, very important for me to learn how to deal with fear, because I always dealt with this problem with drugs and "liquid courage." That was my solution for overcoming low self-confidence, shyness, and insecurity. Hellen Keller said that life is a daring adventure or nothing. If we're stifled by fear then our life will certainly be nothing. We'll stay stuck in our comfort zones as life passes us by. Harris lists four common reasons why we're afraid to leave our comfort zones: 1. Obstacles - our minds point out all the obstacles. 2. Self-judgements - our minds point out all our weaknesses. 3. Comparisons - our minds compare us to others who seem to be better than us. 4. Predictions - our minds predict failure. Before I published my book, I thought it would be the greatest thing I'd ever accomplished, but as soon as it came out, I was attacked by self-judgements. I thought what I'd written was stupid, and of inferior quality, and I almost regretted doing it. Even worse, I had to write for this website. Every time I wrote something and posted it, I would wake up in the middle of the night berating myself, "Stupid, stupid, stupid. I can't believe I wrote that." I wanted to give up. I discovered that I was "fusing" to these thoughts. That's all they were: thoughts. They were not based on fact, and if they were, so what? Don't I have the right to say stupid things and make mistakes? So I continued to write and consider it all practice, because there's no way I'll ever get better if I don't continue to plug away. I "defused" from those negative thoughts. They still come up every time I write something, but now I can say, "There's that stupid, self-judging thought. Bye-bye stupid self-judging thought." So I was glad to read this quote from best-selling author Peter Carey in "The Confidence Gap": "Writing is being prepared to be stupid and make mistakes." There's a lot more useful information in "The Confidence Gap" including Harris' golden rule for winning the confidence game: "The actions of confidence come first; the feelings of confidence come later." There are nine more rules, so instead of listing them here, I'll recommend you buy the book and discover them yourself. David Allan Reeves Author of "Running Away From Me"

This book was OK but fairly forgettable. Most of the advice wasn't very useful for me. A lot of it was about disassociating from your thoughts, which is good advice, but nothing new to me. Mostly the book is about getting the confidence to DO something...I don't really have a problem with that because I've been forcing myself to do things I'm scared of for years. I was looking more for something to help with general confidence and self-assuredness, because despite having lived in four countries by myself, travelled a lot, done higher degrees, lived through some very dangerous situations (9.0 earthquake, tsunami, nuclear disaster) and quit addictions (alcohol, smoking), I still don't really feel like a very self-confident person. However, it was refreshing the way it said you don't have to think positive thoughts and that negative thoughts are normal and don't control yur behaviour. For example, it said, even if you say "I can't lift my arm" over and over, you can still lift your arm. Negative thinking does NOT affect your ability to do things. I guess I am living proof of that. So, neither a bad book nor a great book. A better one for me was "Feeling Good".

Clear, realistic, practical, very inspiring!

... sondern die Art und Weise wie du mit ihnen umgehen. Hast du schonmal eine Situation erlebt, die dir extrem unangenehm war und dich ein Gefühl extremer Nervosität durchströmt hat? Und da du so nervös warst, hast du dir bestimmt über deine Nervosität Gedanken gemacht und schlussendlich gemerkt, dass du dadurch nur noch nervöser wurdest? Oh je, doppelt nervös! Das muss nicht so sein ... und das Buch zeigt dir wie das geht. Das Buch hat meiner Meinung nach gegenüber vielen Selbsthilfebüchern einen riesigen Vorteil: es gibt dir eine Schritt für Schritt Anleitung, wie du mit diesen negativen Gedanken, Gefühlen und Emotionen umgehen kannst und das auf einer sehr realistischen, informativen und nachhaltigen Art und Weise. Zudem zeigt es auch auf, warum eben viele Techniken der Selbsthilfe-Branche nicht langfristig genug gedacht sind und nur kurzfristig etwas bewirken. Aber noch eine kleine Warnung vorweg: Dies ist KEIN Buch, welches man sich einfach nur durchliest und dann weg legt (in der Hoffnung es lösen sich nun alle Probleme). Das macht auch der Autor von Anfang an klar. Wer dieses Buch liest, sollte also auch aktiv mitarbeiten und die Aufgaben erledigen, die der Autor mitgibt. Wer sich aber diesem (auch manchmal schwierigen) Prozess stellt, dem kann ich versichern, dass es der beste Weg ist, ein selbstbestimmtes und erfülltes Leben zu führen. Viel Erfolg!

Read about this book in 2-3 other books, and knew it was a must try. Simple techniques constantly hammered down, to help you remember and practice. Paperback book quality is also 9/10.

This is an excellent book for people needing assistance in dealing with confidence and anxiety difficulties in a pragmatic way. Right from the start, readers are encouraged to be clear as to what greater confidence would look like in our own lives, and to reflect on particular circumstances where we are currently struggling. Regular prompts to check on what our thoughts are doing help with active reading and a variety of exercises are introduced to identify values and develop mindfulness. These are built on in a structured way so that by the end of the book readers should be able to have a specific plan for dealing with areas of life that would benefit from more confidence. The insights in this book have already gripped me and, along with the exercises, are helping me to approach challenging situations more calmly and to deal with their consequences with more resilience. Having recently experienced a sudden drop in confidence following illness I was in the unexpected position of shopping for a 'self-help' book, particularly for dealing with the problems I have been having at work. There are many schools of thought in developing confidence, ranging from the vague spiritual/relaxation approach to an aggressive, confident = dominant tone, which to me would be an entire personality change. This book may not be a strategy that suits everyone and some potentially uncomfortable self-analysis is required, but for those who prefer a calm, focussed approach and who are willing to put in the effort and thought I would strongly recommend it.

I cannot speak well enough of this book. I bought it last year, but couldn't absorb it effectively. Then, I was working with evidence based practices for unresolved trauma. This book has really enlightening me and I am conscious now of things which were keeping me stuck and what to do about it. My realizatìons feel like more than that, these feel like change. Like Im taking action. I am growing more and more conscious through this incredibly easy to understand and apply, book. I am 1/3 of the way through it. It is a book that Im absorbing and remembering. I have found Im not just reading, but Im motivated to learn and apply its content. I am truly forming the understanding that this book is doing what the author claims which is to develop thinking and skills which will serve me for a lifetime. Its a book that will enable you to create yourself authentically. Evidence based practices for trauma served me well, but Im beginning to understand through this book why it may be very possible that I need more than those practices to move forward. I highly recommend this book. Like no other I have read.