Black Belt Husband: A Marriage Book for Men

There are a ton of gems throughout this guide.Here are my top takeaways:Our goal is to become increasingly aware of the thoughts and emotions that drive our behaviors.A strong marriage is based on humility. SEE MARRIAGE AS A VERB, NOT A Noun! EVERYTHING WORTH HAVING TAKES EFFORT AND INTENTIONALITY! COMPLACENCY IS A MARRIAGE DEATH SENTENCE! Impatience and a lack of gratitude are obstacles to our goal of becoming Black Belt Husbands.CONSISTENCY IS THE NECESSARY OXYGEN TO THE MARRIAGE! 5:1 Ratio: Five positive interactions to every one negative interaction.The journey is to become supremely honest in your relationships, but we first have to recognize that our fear of conflict holds us back.Honesty is key. Can't give up what you love for her. Our resentments are a road map to the places where we haven’t been as honest as we needed to be.Learn to share your resentments with your wife. She doesn't have to like them. As we grow in assertiveness, we will kill the inner people pleaser that insists on making sure other people are happy, even at the expense of our own emotional health.Becoming more assertive is about coming to the table of life, welcoming yourself, and joining the party to which you’ve been rightfully invited.Your personal non-negotiables are the things in your life that really matter to you. These are the things that you need for yourself in order to live a fulfilled life.Be PLAYFUL! The mature masculine man, in his fullest expression is wild and playful.The mature masculine man is untamed. He isn’t worried about offending others with his spontaneity and he doesn’t obsess about looking so put together that he forgets to enjoy the moment. The mature masculine lives life in full color. He is playful, spontaneous, fun, and does not take himself too seriously. He knows how to offer his family the joy they need from him.Are your children going to remember how playful you were or how distracted you seemed?What did you love doing when you were young? And how can you reclaim that in your life today? As you PLAY an adult you have more to give your wife and family! PLAYFULNESS IS AN ASSET AND TOO MUCH SERIOUSNESS BECOMES A LIABILITY! I’m Okay (a mindfulness script to reduce stress) {Your name}, you move at a very fast pace You need to slow down if you want to connect with {Her name} You expect a lot out of people, sometimes too much This keeps you isolated and disconnected {Your name}, you are strong and brave. {Your name}, you are okay You are more than okay, you are doing really well.   You can relax and enjoy the goodness of this present moment. {Your name}, You are solid You are as solid as a mountain And you can rest knowing you are very loved and cared for {Your name}, you are okay {Your name}, you can be playful like you were when you were a child That child still lives inside you and wants to play again. He is safe enough to come out and play {Your name}, the little boy inside you is going to be okay. Nobody will die You are not in harm’s way Whatever it is you worry about will work itself out.   It will all be okay Urgency is not helpful right now More patience is what you need Your wife wants to smile with you.   You can smile with her. {Your name} You will be okay.BEING SUCCESSFUL IN MARRIAGE REQUIRES US TO BE CONNECTED TO A BAND OF BROTHERS! 3 Groups of Friends: Fun (let loose), Work, and Inner Circle (Band of Brothers who share values and life goals. Accountable confidants.)How to ASK A BAND OF BROTHER:I hope you’re doing well.     I’ve been thinking lately about how I could really benefit from having better and more consistent friendships in my life.     I’ve been thinking about how it would be cool to have my own “band of brothers”to develop more accountability.     I’m looking for guys who share my core values about marriage, life, etc.   I thought you would be a great person to start with and I’m wondering if you might be interested in working together and helping one another?   Let me know what you think, and if you’re interested we can talk more about it.   If not, no problem, I understand.When we talk about creating a sense of emotional safety for our partners, we mean helping our spouses reach and fulfill higher level needs such as the love and belonging or esteem portions of the hierarchy of needs. Emotional safety in this context is about helping our wives feel valued, understood , cared for, and connected to us.AFFAIR PROOF YOUR MARRIAGE: When we offer our partners more emotional support by listening well, attuning to their world, and being present, we are walking the path of the Black Belt Husband and accomplishing the journey to EMOTIONAL SAFETY! Your wife communicates her deeper, more vulnerable feelings through criticism. She doesn’t feel safe enough to communicate her more authentic and vulnerable feelings like sadness, hurt, or fear. Think of criticism as her defense mechanism.

This is without a doubt the best marriage book I’ve ever read. This book is for any man. It’s especially for the men who don’t know how to show up, even if they wanted to. It’s for the man who’s made mistakes, it’s for the man who wants to learn the tools to make marriage work. I have highlighted and underlined in every single page that I’ve read. This book is like a hammer to a carpenter, the stethoscope to a doctor, the Bible to a preacher. Without this book you will have so much difficulty parsing out every aspect of a mans life that keeps you stuck in marriage. It’s not full of fluff, it’s not dull. It’ll kick you in the face, and expect you to get back up. Because that’s what men do. I cannot put it down. I will be reading this many many times.

As a recently separated husband, I stumbled on this book while scrolling mindlessly on IG. It couldn't have come at a better time for me. Every page had me engaged, and the tools Quentin lays out are something even the best husbands can use to enhance their marriage.

This book captures what most “married man self-improvement” books fail to capture, oversaturate, or completely miss the mark. With an easy-to-comprehend framework, Hafner delivers a remarkably practical approach without losing the essence of the profound concepts on which such an approach is founded.As a therapist who specializes in male self-improvement in the context of relationships, this is the first book I am confident in recommending to my clients, for it is presented in a way that is universally accessible to a wide range of men. Lastly, this book is very versatile in the sense that those who prefer a straightforward delivery can find great utility in it, and those who like to dissect intellectual concepts will have plenty to think about.

My husband said he was willing to read (listen to) a marriage book, but I know he was dreading reading a mushy, Kumbaya, cry about your feelings book. I found this and after reading just the description and a little of the first and I knew this was better than a marriage book, it was a Being Happy and then a better husband book. I would say it’s the manliest marriage book around that actually has a lot of merit. If my quiet, stoic husband will actually take these lessons to heart and apply them I KNOW it would dramatically improve our marriage and life in general.

Black Belt Husbands is an exceptionally well written book filled with practical concepts that can be readily applied. This author is is spot-on when he emphasizes humility as an essential ingredient for a successful marriage. As a marriage and family therapist myself, I have seen firsthand what happens when a man softens his emotions, let’s down his wall, and expresses his vulnerable feelings to his partner. They both begin to see what is really going on under the heated discussions from an emotional standpoint. Behind every argument there is a longing to be understood and loved by your partner. Unfortunately, this is rarely expressed and instead is often masked with anger, criticism, or withdrawal. When people (men and women) are able to access their vulnerability and listen to one another with understanding and humility, they begin to have healing conversations. This author provides readers with a clear understanding of what it takes to have a healthy relationship. He offers the guidance and tools that everyone can use. I have already recommended this read to many of my clients. This book is a must-read!

I just finished reading the book, and will likely read it again. It’s an easy read, and it flows very well. The language and approach has been very helpful for me.